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Posts Tagged ‘Anxiety & Panic Attacks’

Dear Lord,

Today I’m asking that you give me just one moment of silence.

No, I don’t mean keep the kids quiet (although that would be nice too), no what I’m praying for is one day of silence from the turmoil in my head.

You know, the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Images of past experiences…the fear of what lies ahead, the struggle of just facing the next day.

The sad thoughts of failing as a mother.

The pressure from having to compensate for an absentee father.

The pain I feel for them for having an absentee father and the worry about the sad thoughts that must go through their heads when they think of him.

I know, that’s a lot God…but I think that I’ve done my share of good. At least I hope I’ve done my share of good.

If I haven’t, I promise I will try harder.

Just please…please give me a moment of silence.

Amen.

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So, apparently the world is ending on Saturday. Man, just like me to wait until Thursday to realize that I am sooooo not prepared. Can we push it back until next Saturday? No? Okay, guess that’s asking a lot. So, all this talk of the end of the world has got me thinking about all the things I haven’t done yet, but definitely want to before I’m gone. Not little things like the laundry (mainly so I will have clean panties come Saturday) but those big things…you know, like “take over the world” big (of course, can mark that one off since there won’t be a world come Sunday apparently)! Anyways…here’s the short list of my bucket list…(and maybe, just maybe, someone wants to push this thing back a week or two so I can get this all done)!

1. Travel to Austria to see the Lippizan Stallions at the Spanish Riding School. (This seems weird to start with this one, but I’ve dreamed of this ever since I was a teenager riding my own Andalusian).

2. Get my college degree.

3. Move to the mountains and raise horses and dogs.

4. Go to Paris! See if I can remember any of the 5 years of French I took in high school and college. LOL!

5. See my daughters marry amazing men who will treat them like Princesses and live long, happy, and healthy lives. (That’s not asking too much is it)?

6. Go on a girls trip to Vegas with my 3 sisters. No GUYS!! Husbands stay home!

7. Have a million dollars. (If someone would just give it to me that would be best, working for it seems like a lot of work)!

8. Start my own charity to help loving pet owners help pay for vet bills, food and grooming for the pets they devote their lives to.

9. Run my own fashion magazine.

10. Go to the CMA’s (Country Music Awards for those of you saying, the what?).

11. Pose in Playboy! (Seriously, I have wanted to do this since I was in college. I truly believe it would be the hottest I could ever look)!

12. Own a pair of Christian Louboutins. Or 100 pair, either way!

13. Buy a convertible BMW!

14. Learn to sing.

15. Fall in love. Real love. Everlasting, unbelievably amazing love. Yeah, that kind of love. Fall in that kind of love.

Wow, this list really is kind of lame. Apparently, I haven’t thought much about it. Maybe I’m just a big dork, but really I’d like to think its because I am very satisfied with my life and what I have done and seen so far. And maybe, just maybe, if the world really was ending on Saturday, I really wouldn’t have any regrets. (Except maybe that Playboy thing)!!

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So, I’m the youngest of four girls. And yes, I am a total Daddy’s girl. And I’m not embarrassed by that at all. In fact, I’m very proud of it. Although, I think my Mother is a Saint from above, so I guess you could say I’m partial to both of them! Anyways, tonight I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard, and been so scared, at the same time. In fact, this seriously has been one of the funniest things I’ve ever been through with my parents…and I think my Dad is pretty frickin hilarious so that says a lot. So what happened? Well this is how my Sunday just ended:

I have been doing laundry and cleaning house all day…and decided around 5:30 to make a big dinner and open a bottle of wine. So now, a couple hours later I’m well into my bottle of Cabernet and I’m innocently watching Family Guy with my youngest (after I just watched Extreme Home Makeover and cried like a big old baby) and I take a sip of my wine. Now I have to add that I’m quite a lightweight and I’m now easily through 1/2 of the bottle of wine so I’m pretty tipsy. So as I put my glass down, I happen to see the red light of my blackberry blinking. Now, this excites me because it seems these days, my phone rarely goes off unless the kids need something and since they are both in the house with me…this must be something really good…like a boy or something…maybe asking me out on a date or something fun like that. The excitement rises.

So, I grab my phone. I put in the password (not sure why I need a password, but it makes me feel special) and I pop open the messages screen…and this is what I see:

HELP

And of course the number it came from was programmed into my phone, so those of us who are fluent in cell phones (unlike my parents apparently) this is really what it looked like:

HELP from Mom & Dad

Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. WTF? I panicked. So, I jump up and walk out of the living room. God forbid my youngest have to hear the conversation I think I’m about to have. My chest is pounding and my hands are shaking and my head is going a mile a minute, the thoughts are speeding through my head. Oh my God…my sister is at her cabin so she’s far away and Oh my God, my sisters down in Tucson, they must be gone too because I’m in Phoenix and why, oh my God, why would my mother need my HELP unless it is something really serious. But who even stops to wonder why she needs my HELP (much less wonder why she would send her HELP in a text since it apparently takes her 10 minutes to type a text). No, that just takes time. You don’t think in these moments, you just respond. HELP…that sends you into panic mode and then into action mode right away.

Of course, the next thing that popped into my head was, SHIT…I’ve drank over half a bottle of wine…how am I going to drive to Tucson right now. All of this of course, is going through my head as I dial Mom & Dad. And this is what I get on the other line:

Mom: Laughing hysterically…”I hit send before I was ready. I was trying to text you another text…but I wasn’t fast enough”.

Me: What, what is going on? I got this text and I panicked?

Mom: Still laughing hysterically…”I knew that wasn’t going to go over well and I was trying to text you another text so you wouldn’t panic but I was too slow and you called first”.

Me: What’s going on, what do you need?

Mom: We are at 31,000 points and we need the 7 letter word because we do not want to lose all of these points!

Me: (still shaking and heart still pounding but suddenly realize the HELP relates to them solving a Word Text puzzle on their Kindle) Seriously? Mom, seriously? I just got this HELP text and I panicked and all you need is help with a 7 letter word? Mom, YOU CANNOT TEXT HELP and think I’m not going to panic. (of course at this point, I have to admit, I was laughing as hard as my mom)

Mom: Oh honey, I wouldn’t text you if it was serious, I’m just not fast enough at it. So, if I give you the letters, will you see if you can get it?

Me: Mom, I almost just had a heart attack. You can’t do that. That frickin scared the shit out of me! I’m losing it over here and all you need is a 7 letter word?

Mom: Yes, we are at the highest we’ve ever been, 31,000 points, we can’t lose this!

Me: Alright, give me the letters (At this point, you just have to laugh. And believe me, we both were. We were laughing so hard we could hardly speak).

I was still seriously shaking. And my heart was still pounding out of my chest. But my Mom? She was laughing so hard she could hardly talk. And after I knew everything was okay, I was laughing hard too. It was pretty funny when you think about it. I mean, hell, why would my Mom text me if something was really wrong with them? I mean, especially if it takes her so long to type a text (they are very new at texting). And really, I know I”m not going to be the first person called in an emergency. I mean really, 911 will be the first called, and then my sisters in Tucson. I know I’m not the first point of contact here…but I’ll tell you what…when HELP…from Mom & Dad came in…my whole life passed before my eyes…and it was AMAZING…and I’m happy to say that like most of my life…this time ended in tears of laughter as well!

Oh, and just in case you care…I did get the 7 letter word…from NAOTPHE…I got phaeton. Yep…that’s why my mom texts me HELP!

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So, I’m just going to lay it all out there and say that really, I don’t like men very much. In fact, I’m pretty comfortable saying I hate them. Now don’t get all critical. If you knew me, you wouldn’t blame me for feeling that way (see Mind If I Get Serious). But here’s the problem. I do really want to find love again some day. And I do really want to be in a fulfilling, long term relationship. So, how do I let go of the past and all the pain and learn to just look forward.

I’m good at pretending I’m looking forward. I smile, I laugh, I function and I know that no one really knows what’s going on inside. The pain, the anger, the fear…did I say anger? I think that may be the most important thing to let go…the anger. And I’m not necessarily angry about what happened to me in the past, or for the wasted time I spent with men who not only didn’t really love me, but treated me like shit. Because I truly believe I am who I am today, only because of the experiences I’ve had in the past. And I think I like me. I tell myself I like me so much better in my 40’s than in my 20’s. But ultimately, I guess that’s not saying much because I really didn’t like me much back then.

Here’s what angers me…I want the bad men from the past to hurt as much as me. In my head, I have created this image that they are getting along just fine. That their lives are so hunky dory (love that word) and that they don’t have any leftover pain or feel any remorse for their actions and so they just live their lives so contently. Now, reality check…I know that is not the case. I know firsthand that Douchebag Mr. #5 is going through some major legal problems right now. So his life can’t be great, right? But that doesn’t satisfy me. I want him to hurt. I want him to go to jail. I read every single word of the case minutes for his upcoming trial and it makes me angry. Like I just read that they are most likely going to offer a plea. And that infuriated me. I want him to be in jail. For a long time. He’s a pretty boy…those big guys will love him in there. But will that really make me feel better? Why can’t I just let it go? Why do I even think about him? Why do I follow the case (one of these days I’ll share what he’s going on trial for, its very scary)? I know that I will find more satisfaction in myself if I just forget about him than if I hear that he’s going to jail for 20 years. So why can’t I make myself do it?

I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m not sure what made me want to ramble on about this tonight. I guess its because I went on another date . With the doctor (same one from last weekend). He’s amazing. In an, as amazing as a guy can be as far as I’m concerned, kind of way. And I feel like it has potential. For the first time in really four years (since Mr. #5) I feel like a man has potential. But I’m afraid that I’m going to blow it. Because I just can’t let the past go.

How do I start healing? How do I start living my life again? I guess I’ve never really lived my adult life with out some sort of domestic abuse, be it physical or emotional…so how am I even supposed to know how to have a normal life? How do I learn to like myself…and most importantly, how do I learn to like myself enough to allow myself to be loved and cared for, by a man. I’m not sure how I do it. But I really want to learn!

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So, I usually like to be kind of funny and light when I blog (I use funny lightly because as Conflicted Mean Girl can attest, I seem to think I’m a lot funnier than other people think I am). But today is an anniversary of sorts for me. And I believe that sharing information like I’m going to share here today can help others in similar situations so I feel obligated to not only share my story in hopes that it may help someone but also to shed a little light on good ol’ dysfunctional me! Plus, they say talking about it can help you recover from it (I don’t know who “they” are, but I think it’s worth a shot), so here I go. So, 4 years ago on New Years Eve day, I left Mr. #5, (that seriously is the nicest thing I could ever call him, believe me). If not familiar with Mr. #5, refer back to Red Flags, you’ll probably like him as little as I do! So, I was dating Mr. #5 for almost 2 years, as well as, my daughters and I lived with him for the last 6 months we were together. Of course, Mr. #5 was an alcoholic. And a classic narcissist. I had no idea what a narcissist was until after I left him. Now I know first hand. That’s usually the case with most women, we never realize how bad a relationship is, until after we’ve left it. Why do we do that to ourselves? I mean, I can honestly tell you that one day I told my counselor that I knew Mr. #5 wasn’t really good for me, but I knew I loved him and for that reason I felt I had to try harder to make it work (hence having the counselor). Looking back, my relationship with Mr. #5 was never healthy. I’m pretty sure we broke up at least 8 times in 2 years. He was very self-centered and very, very cold hearted. How did I love him? I’m not sure, but I truly believed I was madly in love with him. That love definitely blinded me from seeing all the signs until years later…which is a trait a lot of women have, a trait I have perfected, and one of my reasons for sharing my story. So, have I babbled on and on long enough yet and lost everyone? So anyways, the short version is that December 9th, 4 years ago, this man that I thought I loved, pulled me out of the car in the middle of the night in a fit of rage and hurt me, and left me on the side of the road. Leaving out all of the detail (we can get to that in blog some day…maybe when I have more wine in me) I ended up in the emergency room with my girlfriend with my wrist broken in two places, sprained ankle, and gravel embedded in my head. But here’s the real lesson…ARE ALL OF YOU WOMEN LISTENING, when the doctor asked me what happened…I said I fell down the stairs. I will forever remember my friends face as she looked at me with that, WTF look. But like good friends do, she kept quiet. So, why, why did I not tell the truth? If I had, they would have called the cops and then he would been picked up and he would have gone to jail. He deserved that. He definitely deserved that. Hell, he deserved more really. But, in my head I thought, if I stay with him, I can’t tell anyone, because they wouldn’t accept me staying with him. So, I had to lie. Stupid. Yes I know. Why would I want to stay with him? Well, honestly, this is the lesson I hope other women can learn from me talking about this. I thought I loved him and therefore I would do anything (or tolerate anything) to be with him. Well, I won’t bore you all to death, I smartened up, I left him on December 31st. And I’ve never gone back. Its been 4 years. I still suffer from nightmares and panic attacks. And I still think about what I did wrong (yes, I said what I did wrong, STUPID). Listen up girls…no man is worth you ever, ever compromising yourself, physically or emotionally. No man, no matter how much you love him, is worth staying with if he can’t treat you like you are precious and important every single minute of every single day. I’m still single. I think I will be single for a long time. And I’m okay with that. I’ve learned, its better than being where I was. And the real lesson I want to share is that abused women and domestic violence is not just something that happens in the low income neighborhoods and not just in some wreck of a family you see on an episode of Cops. It happens every day, to women that you probably know. Real women, who have jobs and kids, and these women need to know that there is nothing wrong with them, it is not them, and they need to know that they can get out. If you are in a situation like this, or if you think it could come to this…BE STRONG…find your INNER STRENGTH…believe that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT…and GET OUT. And get help! And take back your life. Here’s to a New Year girls!! Let’s go out there and get what we deserve!!

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Every New Years I start January 1st by saying, “New Year, New You”. And I get all excited and I think, this is my year! And then January 2nd rolls around and I realize it’s the same old shit, disguised by this bullcrap they call a “New Year”. Last night I was playing Monopoly (the new version where it’s all electronic with credit cards and sometimes the game throws you little curves like throws your ass in jail two times in a row, not that that happened to me, but yeah it did…stupid game) and I started off the game very well, I had money and I was building up all this property…it was like January 1st all over again. And then, BAMM, January 2nd arrived…and I got thrown in jail twice (see above), I hit the fricking tax thing, twice…there’s $2 million and then landed on a stupid railroad, of which another player owned 4 of and because the electronic banker does what ever it wants I had to pay him double the normal rent for all 4 railroads….BAMM, $4 million gone. I even owned Park Place and Boardwalk and had a house on them, and not one of the other players landed on either, EVER!!! Next thing I know, I have $70,000 in the bank and have mortgaged all of my properties just to pay off everyone else, who were just getting richer. Oh yeah, the other players…they offered to buy some of my properties so I could have some money, but no, I refused. I have my pride you know. Kiss my ass, that’s what I told them…as I was mortgaging another property to pay their rent. And before you know it, I was throwing in the towel…a BIG ASS LOSER of Monopoly. And I thought to myself…just like real life! WTF! Isn’t family game night supposed to be fun? Isn’t it supposed to help relieve stress? Instead it just made me more stressed and more pissed off and then I had a panic attack about how much my life feels just like that fricking Monopoly game right now. And then, you know, denial set in and I thought to myself…oh its just a game. I’m fine. Everything is just fine. Hey, thanks Hasbro for finding a way to add stress into my already stressed life. Maybe you should make a game called, “This Is Your Effed Up Life, So Don’t Expect Something Magical To Happen”! At least, I’ll know what I’m getting into when I start playing!

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I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been too busy having panic attacks. Those take time, you know! The build up to the actual attack takes days, months, maybe even years. I’m pretty sure I’ve been working on mine for the last 4 years. And then, the actual attack, I mean, those can last for days maybe weeks. I think I’m going on 4 weeks now. Just in time to make me really miserable for Christmas. I mean, not that I’m not miserable this time of year anyways, but this year its worse. A whole lot worse. Brought on by years of anxiety and panic attacks and finished up by the recent turmoil at my job (if I can still call it that, right now it seems more like my make believe job) and then leading up to what can only be described so far as “The Worst Christmas Ever”! Although, since there are still 3 days until Christmas Day, I’m thinking it could get worse. I’m preparing myself for additional anxiety and chest pains. Details, at this point, seem to be unnecessary. I mean, really, will sharing the stories make me feel any better? I think it would probably make me feel worse. In fact, I like to just kind of go about my day like everything is just perfect. You know, denial! It’s what I’m best at. In fact, I seem to be getting better at it every day. So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep denying…and I’m going to smile and I’m going to just pretend that my life is perfect. Oh man, why can’t I breathe? Must just be my allergies!

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