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So, I guess the world didn’t end after all. Because here it is Thursday and I’m still here…with a hell of a lot to do since I put everything off last week thinking I shouldn’t waste my time on laundry and dishes since it would be a moot point after Saturday. Moot point my ass! Now its just piles of clothes and plates and glasses in my house. That idiot that predicted the world was ending should have to come to each of our houses and get us all caught up. IDIOT!!! Thanks a lot!

On the flip side, I guess I’m pretty glad I’m still here. I mean, now I have more time to get on my bucket list that I made. Cause that’s really going to happen. I did have a great night out Friday…celebrating the end of the world. Only to wake up with a very bad hangover…and at one point I recall wishing the world was really going to end. LOL!

So, I guess now that I have a little more time, I might actually put some more thought into my bucket list. And maybe even try to accomplish some of them. Haha, or just think about accomplishing some of them while I sit on my butt with a martini! Whatever, the point is, I still have time…or at least I have until October 21st now.

Who is this idiot that keeps setting deadlines for me? JERK! Apparently he’s never enjoyed just sitting on his ass with a bottle (or 2) of wine and some pizza watching 12 hourse of a Criminal Minds marathon (which is exactly where I’ll be Monday, thanks to ION and thanks to the world not ending). And notice that I assumed the idiot is a man!

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Today I realized how bad I’ve been at blogging and tweeting over the past couple of weeks. I mean seriously, in my top 10 of things that I love and things that help keep me sane, is blogging & tweeting. Of course, number 1 is Belvedere Vodka, in any form…(with ice, with soda, with Dr Pepper, with jello shots…you know, any form). SOOOOOOO…why have I been such a slacker lately? Hell I don’t know. I guess it’s just because I’M A SLACKER!!!!!

So today I’m blessing you all with random thoughts in the head of the Most Functional Dysfunctional person you’ll ever meet. Enjoy…and soon you will all be wishing that I’d go back to slacking!!

* I wonder if the quantity of Dr Pepper I drink during the day, has any correlation to the very small number of hours I sleep at night?

* When I gave the hamster water last night…did I shut her cage?

* I wonder if the dogs would really eat the hamster?

* Was the youngest groogy enough last night that I could convince her that she left the hamster’s cage open, in the case that I did forget to shut her cage?

* How many Dr Peppers did I really have yesterday?

* I really hope that Conflicted Mean Girl can come over early on Saturday…I really need some girl time!

* I wonder if that salad dressing I just ate was bad?

* I need a Dr Pepper.

* Really…would my dogs eat a hamster?

* Better stock up on Belvedere and Crown, just in case Conflicted Mean Girl makes it!

* Oh my stomach hurts…it has to be the salad dressing.

* How many Dr Peppers have I had today?

* Shit…I hope I closed the hamster cage!

Haha! See, this is the crap that goes through my head every day. Honestly…it’s no wonder I’ve been slacking lately people…Can’t you see how frickin busy I’ve been?

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I went out tonight…had a drink with a friend…came home…went out had another drink with some friends…See, the youngest is on her 7th grade trip in Washington DC with her class this week. And my oldest, well the last thing she wants to do is hang out with me…so after getting off work, I found myself with some free time. So I took advantage of it and visited with friends for a little bit. Something I don’t get to do often unless they come to my house. I was home early, 8:30ish and so after doing the dishes and chatting with the oldest for a little bit, thought I would finally sit down and blog a little. I had every intention of talking about how sometimes I have these revelations of how dysfunctional I really am. And believe me, that’s a post I will get to eventually. BUT…I got on Twitter first, you know, just because I’m addicted, and low and behold…the beautiful Vivienne tweeted me that she awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award! Ha! Me. A Stylish Blogger! I wanted to run and call my parents. Ring up the sisters. Step outside and shout it out to the world! But then I realized…the only people that are really going to understand my excitement, are you beautiful bloggers…and my tweeps! Which of course, is what this award is about…us bloggers!

So, apparently, as Vivi wrote in her blog post…there are some rules that apply to receiving this award (and she might have said something about a check…I’ll have to go back and read again, lol). So here goes…cause I’m super excited about this so I don’t want to mess up (you know…like taking a month to actually respond to receiving the award or something…you know…hint, hint! LOL, I kid…REALLY)! So here it goes:

1. I must thank the person who awarded me and link back to her. Done and done again…and one more time, check Vivienne out at her blog here. Thank you so much…You are so beautiful and I always look forward to chatting with you on Twitter and reading your blog! You are very special and I’m so thankful to be recognized by you!!

2. Share 7 things about yourself. What? Really? 7 things? If I say something wrong can you take this award away from me? Do I have to say something stylish? Or can I just be stupid like normal? Okay, here goes: Hmmm, 7 things…this is hard….usually I like to talk about myself but the pressure…of 7 things…okay I’m ready;

1. I was a gymnast all my life…from about 3 or 4 until high school, which is when I gave up gymnastics to ride horses competitively.

2. I am deathly afraid of sharks. Will not even go in the ocean past about my ankles. I mean deathly afraid. And don’t tell me there’s no sharks there…it’s an ocean…there are sharks.

3. I am a co-dependent. (Yeah, you’ve probably all already figured that out, but I need 7 things)

4. My favorite food of all times is hotdogs. I would choose hotdogs over steak and artichokes or anything for that matter. And preferably with kraut!

5. I don’t like grill marks on my meat…but I love my meat grilled…yeah, and that’s why I’m single!!

6. I am addicted to Dr Pepper. And I don’t mean like, Oh I like DP, yummy…no I mean addicted…like don’t ask me to choose between DP and a child…might not turn out so good!

7. I am a horrible housekeeper. And again, that’s why I’m single! LOL!

Okay, I feel like those are the lamest 7 things…but I did it. So now onto step 3.

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers. Now. This. Is. EASY! Well, actually, going to be hard to limit to 15…but here goes;

1. Conflicted Mean Girl – Not really newly discovered…but she’s the reason I’m even blogging in the first place…and her blog posts always crack me up! Love You!!

2. Shamrocks & Shenanigans

3. Carrie Fairy Thoughts

4. Marina Sleep’s Blog

5. B*tches in the Burbs

6. Life in the House that Asperger Built

7. Yeah. Good Times.

8. Little Things

9. Laundry Hurts My Feelings

10. Cici’s Theories

11. Bees With Honey

12. Carousel Ride

13. Lori Dyan

14. Living With Logan

15. Not Enough Patience & Never Enough Jewelry

Whew, that was easy…except attaching all of those links! But believe me, all of these blogs are worth it so please go check them out! And now onto rule #4.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Well, you read the rule…so I have to go let these wonderful gals know how Stylish they are! Buh bye for now!!

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You know you’re a Mom when:

1. The last time you went to the bathroom by yourself was…heck, you can’t remember.

2. You reach into your bag for your credit card and you pull out; a bottle, a sippy cup, a diaper, 2 spare onesies, baby tylenol, mommy tylenol, diaper rash cream…ahhhh, the wallet!

3. You have been driving for 30 minutes singing out loud before you realize that is Barney/The Wiggles/Mickey Mouse you’re singing to…and there are no kids in the car.

4. You finally understand the true meaning of Unconditional Love.

5. You can catch vomit mid-stream in your hands and not even blink an eye.

6. You find yourself using words like: poopy and pee pee, and have songs for everything like: “Someone in the house has poopy pants, poopy pants, poopy pants”.

7. Your idea of “grabbing a drink” becomes, sneaking some vodka into your orange juice while you watch Finding Nemo for the 3rd time that night. (That little Dory really does crack me up)

8. You wake up at 6 am on a Saturday because you are really excited to write the “You Know You’re A Mom When…” post on your blog.

9. No longer is staying up until 2 am drinking fun…because you know you’ll be up at 6 am with the little booger face…and you’re actually looking forward to it!

10. A nice dinner out is usually with a big rat named Chuck or a freaky clown named Ronald.

11. You finally know the answer to the question, “Who would you die for”?

12. Prior to going on a date you check for him on the “Sexual Predators List” instead of the “Forbes 100 Billionaires List”.

13. The inside of your car looks like an episode of cops! (Man, I hope that’s melted chocolate)!

14. It takes you 30 minutes to get everything and everyone together, just so you can run down the street to get gas.

15. Your two teenage girls drive off together in the same car, and you think to yourself…there goes my entire world. If I lose that, I’ve lost everything!

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So I was coming back from the store with my oldest (youngest is at the mall with her friends, because she has a social life) and she says, J (the boyfriend) is going to take me to his Aunt’s house today. So, I say, okay, I’m going to go blog about how stupid men are. Haha! And I really had intentions of just sitting at the computer and having all these brilliant things about how dumb men are and no wonder I’m still single…but now here I am and nothing is really coming out right. I’ve started 3 posts but I’m just not feeling any of it. I think I’m trying too hard. Like I feel like it has to be this great story so that I can entertain other people when they read it (because of course, I have so many readers to please). But what I really want to do is just BITCH! I want to just shout out loud all the things that are bothering me right now. So, hopefully no one will mind, but I’m just going to have my BITCH DAY!

IF YOU READ MY BLOG AND IT MAKES YOU UPSET…THEN DON’T FUCKING READ MY BLOG!

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BLOG ABOUT ANYTHING I WANT. I DO IT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. IT IS NOT A DIRECT INSULT TO YOU. IF YOU TAKE IT THAT WAY…THEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ISSUES TO DEAL WITH!

DATING SUCKS. MEN SUCK. I THINK I WILL START DATING WOMEN! EXCEPT I’M SURE WOMEN WILL SUCK TOO SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY SINGLE!

HAVING BLOODY MARY MIX, OLIVES, PICKLED ASPARAGUS, AND CELERY IN THE HOUSE BUT NO VODKA IS STUPIDER THAN CRAP!

WORK IS STUPID. WHY CAN’T I BE INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY! (OR BETTER YET WHY CAN’T I FIND A MAN WHO IS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY AND THINKS I’M THE PERFECT WOMAN TO SHARE HIS WEALTH WITH)!

MEN ARE STUPID. (I’M JUST SAYING)

WHY IS THE HOUSE SUCH A MESS AND WHY CAN’T I AFFORD AN EFFING CLEANING LADY? (IF I WAS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY AS BITCHED ABOUT ABOVE, I WOULD NOT HAVE TO BITCH ABOUT THIS)

WHY DO THEY HAVE SCHOOL FUNCTIONS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT? SATURDAYS ARE FOR DATING AND FUN!

IF I DIDN’T HAVE THIS FRICKIN SCHOOL FUNCTION TONIGHT…I WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO.

MEN ARE STUPID! (HAVE I SAID THAT YET?)

I HATE BEING BROKE.

I HATE BEING STRESSED.

I HATE BEING JUDGED BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NO RIGHT TO BE JUDGING ANYONE.

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN? WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS FRICKIN THING CALLED LIFE AND WHEN IS IT GOING TO EVER BE MY TURN TO CATCH A FUCKING BREAK!

MEN REALLY ARE STUPID! (FELT IT NECESSARY TO END ON THAT ONE)

Okay. I feel better. That definitely helped a little bit. I know I sound a little jaded right now but I just think that I should always be able to say what I want, when I want and if you don’t like it than that is your own damn fault (or your own damn vault, as Will Ferrell would say). I’m done trying to please everyone else. If something makes me happy than for once I’m not going to let someone take it from me! So there! And if you don’t like it, then I’m sorry…but you can KISS MY ASS!

Whew, now I feel better!

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So, I’m pretty new to this blogging thing, but I’m going to assume that everyone goes through days like I’m going through. Where I have 100 million things to say, but just don’t really know where to start much less even find the energy to log on to the computer. So, how do you get over it? How do I channel these thoughts aplenty into one point…or do I just wander around meaninglessly through this post…sort of like I do in my head most days! Haha, I like to use fun words like aplenty and wander (Conflicted Mean Girl and I share that affliction, and we used to say if we could use 2 big words in one sentence we could go home from work for the day…of course our bosses were not aware of that rule, but whatever). So anyways, back to what to talk about.

It’s Friday. A long time ago, Friday’s used to bring fun and excitement…meeting up with friends for happy hour and then hitting a new club to drink and dance and meet people. Or maybe a hot date (wait, who am I kidding…I’ve never really been a dater). Anyways, Fridays are very different as a single mom. Fridays now bring Saturdays, which means cleaning the house and doing the laundry. Working on homework projects and carting kids around to activities with friends. Grocery shopping, making breakfast, lunch and dinner for two days in a row (oh wait, I do that 7 days in a row anyways). Picking up dog poop, taking out the trash, getting the car washed…UGH!!! I’m thinking as a single mom, TGIF is stupid. What I think is we should have TGTWIO. Thank God The Weekend Is Over. I mean, my biggest excitement for this weekend is getting the youngest to agree to make a big dinner tonight and then watch a movie and eat popcorn with me. Now that’s exciting people! But then you know what that exciting night brings…yeah DISHES! Welcome to Friday Nights as a Single Mom!

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Today I committed myself to write on my blog every day. At least something. Even if it’s just to bitch about the kids or the “non-job” or whatever…Point is, write something every day. Why? It’s simple. I started this thing to help me vent. Help me release some stress. And you know what? It works…when I use it. So, earlier today, I was telling Ginger (that’s my little Princess dog) that I felt a little like I had some pent up anxiety and that as much as her suggestion to sit and have a bloody mary sounded good (I swear…it was her suggestion…she has a little problem…we’re working on it, we’re getting her some help) that what I really wanted to do was to just vent to someone. Of course, at this point, Ginger ran off to make herself a bloody mary and of course, to avoid being the someone I was going to vent to. So, that’s when it hit me! My blog! That’s what this is here for right? And at least when I vent to all of you (by all of you I mean my pretend readers, the millions of you that I believe in my head are reading my blog daily) you won’t leave me for a bloody mary right in the middle of a story (or at least I won’t be able to see you do it)!

So, daily posts…here I go!! Oh wait, this counts for today. I’m done! See you tomorrow!

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