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Posts Tagged ‘Denial’

So, I guess the world didn’t end after all. Because here it is Thursday and I’m still here…with a hell of a lot to do since I put everything off last week thinking I shouldn’t waste my time on laundry and dishes since it would be a moot point after Saturday. Moot point my ass! Now its just piles of clothes and plates and glasses in my house. That idiot that predicted the world was ending should have to come to each of our houses and get us all caught up. IDIOT!!! Thanks a lot!

On the flip side, I guess I’m pretty glad I’m still here. I mean, now I have more time to get on my bucket list that I made. Cause that’s really going to happen. I did have a great night out Friday…celebrating the end of the world. Only to wake up with a very bad hangover…and at one point I recall wishing the world was really going to end. LOL!

So, I guess now that I have a little more time, I might actually put some more thought into my bucket list. And maybe even try to accomplish some of them. Haha, or just think about accomplishing some of them while I sit on my butt with a martini! Whatever, the point is, I still have time…or at least I have until October 21st now.

Who is this idiot that keeps setting deadlines for me? JERK! Apparently he’s never enjoyed just sitting on his ass with a bottle (or 2) of wine and some pizza watching 12 hourse of a Criminal Minds marathon (which is exactly where I’ll be Monday, thanks to ION and thanks to the world not ending). And notice that I assumed the idiot is a man!

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So, apparently the world is ending on Saturday. Man, just like me to wait until Thursday to realize that I am sooooo not prepared. Can we push it back until next Saturday? No? Okay, guess that’s asking a lot. So, all this talk of the end of the world has got me thinking about all the things I haven’t done yet, but definitely want to before I’m gone. Not little things like the laundry (mainly so I will have clean panties come Saturday) but those big things…you know, like “take over the world” big (of course, can mark that one off since there won’t be a world come Sunday apparently)! Anyways…here’s the short list of my bucket list…(and maybe, just maybe, someone wants to push this thing back a week or two so I can get this all done)!

1. Travel to Austria to see the Lippizan Stallions at the Spanish Riding School. (This seems weird to start with this one, but I’ve dreamed of this ever since I was a teenager riding my own Andalusian).

2. Get my college degree.

3. Move to the mountains and raise horses and dogs.

4. Go to Paris! See if I can remember any of the 5 years of French I took in high school and college. LOL!

5. See my daughters marry amazing men who will treat them like Princesses and live long, happy, and healthy lives. (That’s not asking too much is it)?

6. Go on a girls trip to Vegas with my 3 sisters. No GUYS!! Husbands stay home!

7. Have a million dollars. (If someone would just give it to me that would be best, working for it seems like a lot of work)!

8. Start my own charity to help loving pet owners help pay for vet bills, food and grooming for the pets they devote their lives to.

9. Run my own fashion magazine.

10. Go to the CMA’s (Country Music Awards for those of you saying, the what?).

11. Pose in Playboy! (Seriously, I have wanted to do this since I was in college. I truly believe it would be the hottest I could ever look)!

12. Own a pair of Christian Louboutins. Or 100 pair, either way!

13. Buy a convertible BMW!

14. Learn to sing.

15. Fall in love. Real love. Everlasting, unbelievably amazing love. Yeah, that kind of love. Fall in that kind of love.

Wow, this list really is kind of lame. Apparently, I haven’t thought much about it. Maybe I’m just a big dork, but really I’d like to think its because I am very satisfied with my life and what I have done and seen so far. And maybe, just maybe, if the world really was ending on Saturday, I really wouldn’t have any regrets. (Except maybe that Playboy thing)!!

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Do you remember how fun dating was when you were young…you know 16, 17, 18. Even better when you were 21 and could drink! Oh those were the days. You would take hours to primp and usually even buy a new outfit to wear. Looking good was super important. I didn’t really date much when I was 18. Shoot, I only went on one date in high school. Did everything I could to avoid kissing him, much less holding his hand.I met my ex-husband when I was 19, almost 20 I believe. He was my first. I was a late bloomer. I had my first drink when I was 20. In fact, it was my sister’s bachelorette party. Not only was it my first drink but it was my first of about 20 that night…of which I believe I ended up face down in the grass somewhere near the end of the evening. Oh good times, when we were 20 something and bright eyed and hopeful. Now I’m 42. My eyes just look tired and wrinkled…and all the hope is gone. LOL!

So dating at 42 is a very different thing. I mean, there really should be a rule book or something that we can follow. Because slowly I’m learning (or maybe not learning given the fact that I’m still single) that there are definitely different dating rules when you’re 42 then when you’re 22. I don’t think I really ever perfected dating when I was 20 something so I’m really struggling now…and my past experiences over the last 20 years have made me a little bit of a pessimist about men and dating and whether there really is “true love”.

I figured if there wasn’t a Dating In Your 40’s Rule Book for me to learn from, I would just create my own (don’t create dating rule books should probably be one of the rules, but oh well). So, following are some rules I’ve learned about dating in your 40’s (with kids).

1. Blogging is not allowed. Period! (So apparently I’ve learned that blogging, which I love and find is an amazing way for me to release stress and just be honest about myself and my flaws, is frowned upon by men whom you date, especially if you say things in your blog like, “I pretty much hate all men“. Shocker, I know!

2. Don’t ever just be yourself. (Apparently being a 42 year old single mother with a lot of baggage and issues with men is not attractive) Instead, pretend that you are happy and your life is perfect and that you are madly in love with the man you are dating.

3. Do not (and I repeat, DO NOT) on your first date tell how funny you think it is that all of your exes are in jail…or about to be in jail. (Again, refer to #2…baggage and issues with men are NOT ATTRACTIVE)!

4. Who cares if you have a job, 2 teenage kids, 3 dogs, 2 birds and some friends you actually like to spend time with every now and then…always be available to meet him whenever he is available…because apparently you are not busy at all but he is very busy, so dating must be done on his schedule. (Who cares if the kids need help with homework…if you want a man..you obviously have to sacrafice ladies)!

5. Be prepared to drive to his place in order to go on a date. Apparently, chivalry went out the door in the 80’s. The men no longer come to your house to pick you up. Who knew?

6. Do not use, “I have to be with my kids” as an excuse to not be available. Apparently things like “Fantasy Football Drafts” and “Boys Strip Club Night” are acceptable however! (Note to self…figure out how to get in on this “Boys Strip Club Night” thing more often)!

7. Do not tell him how much fun you had at “Boys Strip Club Night” unless he was definitely the BOY who took you! (Lesson learned, my bad)!

8. A “2 drink minimum” only applies to nights out at the Improv…do not apply this rule to your first date.

9. Remember to repeatedly tell him that “He is the smartest, funniest, cutest, sexiest man you have ever dated and how did you get so lucky to be the girl who gets to spend time with him”. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little, blech)!

10. Spending the night on the couch with your kids and your dogs…does not count as “being too busy to date”…but I highly recommend it!

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Growing up my Dad had this “speech” he would give, over and over again. He would start it, “There are Givers and there are Takers”. And yep, that’s about all I remember. I’m sure right about then, I would zone his voice out and think about something else, anything else. I was a teenager…I didn’t care about Givers and Takers. Of course, in college, I still heard the speech. In fact, in my house, it was fun to see who you could get stuck listening to the Givers and Takers speech. Haha, when my cousin just started dating a new guy, we were walking through the house and I mentioned that she hadn’t heard the speech…and that did her in for an hour or so! Haha, ohhhhh miss those good times.

But now, as an adult. That speech. I think I suddenly realize that my Dad was right (of course, I will not ever let him hear me say that). There are Givers and Takers. You don’t have to know the rest of the lecture to understand it. The first line says it all…There are GIVERS and there are TAKERS. And I think ultimately what he was trying to say is that he raised us to be Givers…but watch out…because Givers attract TAKERS.

Man, I wish I had listened to the rest of that lecture when I was 16! Maybe I wouldn’t be so damn good at attracting the Takers. My parents really did raise all of us girls (I’m the youngest of 4) to be Givers. My Mom, she is the ULTIMATE GIVER. Geez, if Giver is in the dictionary, my Mom’s picture should be next to it. She has been giving all of her life, to my dad, to us girls, to her grandkids and now her great-grandkids. She is an Angel…and she knows how to Give, and only Give. I’m not sure she’s ever Taken in her life.

I’m proud to be like my Mom. I mean, in the whole scheme of things, I would rather be a Giver than a Taker any day of the week. But, I’ve always said that my biggest fault is this…I always take care of others, no matter what the cost to me. Sure, that makes me a great friend…but it doesn’t always make me happy. And it definitely brings the Takers to my door…sometimes more often then I’d like, unfortunately.

Of course, normally when I start a conversation about Givers and Takers, I tend to think it’s going to lead towards discussing what idiots I end up dating…and eventually not dating. But not today. Today, I’m dedicating this Givers and Takers post to the friends I’ve made. Not all of them…because luckily, through all of my dysfunction, I have managed to actually make a few good friends…Conflicted Mean Girl, for example (haha the fact that I use Conflicted Mean Girl as one of my smart friend choices makes me chuckle just a little, hahaha). And of course, any of my friends reading this…I hope you know exactly where you stand in the Givers and Takers speech.

So, lately I’ve been a little ticked off about the behavior of some of my friends. And I start to let it get to me. In fact, this past week, I’ve sort of been fuming over their behavior (or lack there of actually). I mean, when I look back at the things I’ve done for some of my friends, it practically brings tears to my eyes that they can’t give back even a quarter of what I’ve given them. I know. I know. Friendship isn’t about making everything even. Believe me, I know that. Just ask my friends. I give, without hesitation. I open my house to them for months, without a single request for money of any kind. I drive them to their cars after their drunken nights out, I give them money for gas and cat food. And I listen to them bitch about friends, boyfriends, jobs and whatever they want to bitch about. And I do all of this with the belief that with true friends, what comes around goes around. Right?

Wrong! Apparently, not everyone is like me. I always find myself disappointed when I figure this out, but yet I don’t ever seem to learn my lesson. But really, as a Giver…I attract Takers. And they just keep taking and taking and taking…until I literally feel like there is nothing left for me to give. That makes me so sad. Because I keep looking, waiting for them to start giving back to me now that I’m down in the dumps (of course, for those of you who have read my blog, my life is full of “down in the dumps” I just never lead on that it is), but this time, I am really down in the dumps…and its obvious…and my friends see it and they know it. And are they there to help, to comfort, to give advice, or to even just give me a hug? Nope…they are no where in sight.

Why? I think I know why actually. Because Takers may be Takers…but they are not dumb. And they know that when I’m down…I don’t have anything to give…SO…they just lost their use for me.

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I think I just created a new word…Singleness. Is that a word? Whatever. I’m taking credit for it. So yesterday I mentioned about discovering that I am cognisant (Conflicted Mean Girl, can I go home now with the use of that big word?) of certain things I do or say that might (I say might, but I’m pretty confident) be reason for me still being single after all these years. Since I had at least 10 reasons to start and I’m sure that list will grow, instead of just writing a post, I dedicated a page to it. So, if you get a chance, go check it out. And if you can add to the list…please do. I think it’s healthy for us to be able to laugh at ourselves every now and then and not just at the men that have made us this way!

AND THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!

PS – The date went well…I’m sure I will share more later!

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Every New Years I start January 1st by saying, “New Year, New You”. And I get all excited and I think, this is my year! And then January 2nd rolls around and I realize it’s the same old shit, disguised by this bullcrap they call a “New Year”. Last night I was playing Monopoly (the new version where it’s all electronic with credit cards and sometimes the game throws you little curves like throws your ass in jail two times in a row, not that that happened to me, but yeah it did…stupid game) and I started off the game very well, I had money and I was building up all this property…it was like January 1st all over again. And then, BAMM, January 2nd arrived…and I got thrown in jail twice (see above), I hit the fricking tax thing, twice…there’s $2 million and then landed on a stupid railroad, of which another player owned 4 of and because the electronic banker does what ever it wants I had to pay him double the normal rent for all 4 railroads….BAMM, $4 million gone. I even owned Park Place and Boardwalk and had a house on them, and not one of the other players landed on either, EVER!!! Next thing I know, I have $70,000 in the bank and have mortgaged all of my properties just to pay off everyone else, who were just getting richer. Oh yeah, the other players…they offered to buy some of my properties so I could have some money, but no, I refused. I have my pride you know. Kiss my ass, that’s what I told them…as I was mortgaging another property to pay their rent. And before you know it, I was throwing in the towel…a BIG ASS LOSER of Monopoly. And I thought to myself…just like real life! WTF! Isn’t family game night supposed to be fun? Isn’t it supposed to help relieve stress? Instead it just made me more stressed and more pissed off and then I had a panic attack about how much my life feels just like that fricking Monopoly game right now. And then, you know, denial set in and I thought to myself…oh its just a game. I’m fine. Everything is just fine. Hey, thanks Hasbro for finding a way to add stress into my already stressed life. Maybe you should make a game called, “This Is Your Effed Up Life, So Don’t Expect Something Magical To Happen”! At least, I’ll know what I’m getting into when I start playing!

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I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been too busy having panic attacks. Those take time, you know! The build up to the actual attack takes days, months, maybe even years. I’m pretty sure I’ve been working on mine for the last 4 years. And then, the actual attack, I mean, those can last for days maybe weeks. I think I’m going on 4 weeks now. Just in time to make me really miserable for Christmas. I mean, not that I’m not miserable this time of year anyways, but this year its worse. A whole lot worse. Brought on by years of anxiety and panic attacks and finished up by the recent turmoil at my job (if I can still call it that, right now it seems more like my make believe job) and then leading up to what can only be described so far as “The Worst Christmas Ever”! Although, since there are still 3 days until Christmas Day, I’m thinking it could get worse. I’m preparing myself for additional anxiety and chest pains. Details, at this point, seem to be unnecessary. I mean, really, will sharing the stories make me feel any better? I think it would probably make me feel worse. In fact, I like to just kind of go about my day like everything is just perfect. You know, denial! It’s what I’m best at. In fact, I seem to be getting better at it every day. So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep denying…and I’m going to smile and I’m going to just pretend that my life is perfect. Oh man, why can’t I breathe? Must just be my allergies!

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