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Posts Tagged ‘domestic violence’

So, I’m just going to lay it all out there and say that really, I don’t like men very much. In fact, I’m pretty comfortable saying I hate them. Now don’t get all critical. If you knew me, you wouldn’t blame me for feeling that way (see Mind If I Get Serious). But here’s the problem. I do really want to find love again some day. And I do really want to be in a fulfilling, long term relationship. So, how do I let go of the past and all the pain and learn to just look forward.

I’m good at pretending I’m looking forward. I smile, I laugh, I function and I know that no one really knows what’s going on inside. The pain, the anger, the fear…did I say anger? I think that may be the most important thing to let go…the anger. And I’m not necessarily angry about what happened to me in the past, or for the wasted time I spent with men who not only didn’t really love me, but treated me like shit. Because I truly believe I am who I am today, only because of the experiences I’ve had in the past. And I think I like me. I tell myself I like me so much better in my 40’s than in my 20’s. But ultimately, I guess that’s not saying much because I really didn’t like me much back then.

Here’s what angers me…I want the bad men from the past to hurt as much as me. In my head, I have created this image that they are getting along just fine. That their lives are so hunky dory (love that word) and that they don’t have any leftover pain or feel any remorse for their actions and so they just live their lives so contently. Now, reality check…I know that is not the case. I know firsthand that Douchebag Mr. #5 is going through some major legal problems right now. So his life can’t be great, right? But that doesn’t satisfy me. I want him to hurt. I want him to go to jail. I read every single word of the case minutes for his upcoming trial and it makes me angry. Like I just read that they are most likely going to offer a plea. And that infuriated me. I want him to be in jail. For a long time. He’s a pretty boy…those big guys will love him in there. But will that really make me feel better? Why can’t I just let it go? Why do I even think about him? Why do I follow the case (one of these days I’ll share what he’s going on trial for, its very scary)? I know that I will find more satisfaction in myself if I just forget about him than if I hear that he’s going to jail for 20 years. So why can’t I make myself do it?

I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m not sure what made me want to ramble on about this tonight. I guess its because I went on another date . With the doctor (same one from last weekend). He’s amazing. In an, as amazing as a guy can be as far as I’m concerned, kind of way. And I feel like it has potential. For the first time in really four years (since Mr. #5) I feel like a man has potential. But I’m afraid that I’m going to blow it. Because I just can’t let the past go.

How do I start healing? How do I start living my life again? I guess I’ve never really lived my adult life with out some sort of domestic abuse, be it physical or emotional…so how am I even supposed to know how to have a normal life? How do I learn to like myself…and most importantly, how do I learn to like myself enough to allow myself to be loved and cared for, by a man. I’m not sure how I do it. But I really want to learn!

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So, I usually like to be kind of funny and light when I blog (I use funny lightly because as Conflicted Mean Girl can attest, I seem to think I’m a lot funnier than other people think I am). But today is an anniversary of sorts for me. And I believe that sharing information like I’m going to share here today can help others in similar situations so I feel obligated to not only share my story in hopes that it may help someone but also to shed a little light on good ol’ dysfunctional me! Plus, they say talking about it can help you recover from it (I don’t know who “they” are, but I think it’s worth a shot), so here I go. So, 4 years ago on New Years Eve day, I left Mr. #5, (that seriously is the nicest thing I could ever call him, believe me). If not familiar with Mr. #5, refer back to Red Flags, you’ll probably like him as little as I do! So, I was dating Mr. #5 for almost 2 years, as well as, my daughters and I lived with him for the last 6 months we were together. Of course, Mr. #5 was an alcoholic. And a classic narcissist. I had no idea what a narcissist was until after I left him. Now I know first hand. That’s usually the case with most women, we never realize how bad a relationship is, until after we’ve left it. Why do we do that to ourselves? I mean, I can honestly tell you that one day I told my counselor that I knew Mr. #5 wasn’t really good for me, but I knew I loved him and for that reason I felt I had to try harder to make it work (hence having the counselor). Looking back, my relationship with Mr. #5 was never healthy. I’m pretty sure we broke up at least 8 times in 2 years. He was very self-centered and very, very cold hearted. How did I love him? I’m not sure, but I truly believed I was madly in love with him. That love definitely blinded me from seeing all the signs until years later…which is a trait a lot of women have, a trait I have perfected, and one of my reasons for sharing my story. So, have I babbled on and on long enough yet and lost everyone? So anyways, the short version is that December 9th, 4 years ago, this man that I thought I loved, pulled me out of the car in the middle of the night in a fit of rage and hurt me, and left me on the side of the road. Leaving out all of the detail (we can get to that in blog some day…maybe when I have more wine in me) I ended up in the emergency room with my girlfriend with my wrist broken in two places, sprained ankle, and gravel embedded in my head. But here’s the real lesson…ARE ALL OF YOU WOMEN LISTENING, when the doctor asked me what happened…I said I fell down the stairs. I will forever remember my friends face as she looked at me with that, WTF look. But like good friends do, she kept quiet. So, why, why did I not tell the truth? If I had, they would have called the cops and then he would been picked up and he would have gone to jail. He deserved that. He definitely deserved that. Hell, he deserved more really. But, in my head I thought, if I stay with him, I can’t tell anyone, because they wouldn’t accept me staying with him. So, I had to lie. Stupid. Yes I know. Why would I want to stay with him? Well, honestly, this is the lesson I hope other women can learn from me talking about this. I thought I loved him and therefore I would do anything (or tolerate anything) to be with him. Well, I won’t bore you all to death, I smartened up, I left him on December 31st. And I’ve never gone back. Its been 4 years. I still suffer from nightmares and panic attacks. And I still think about what I did wrong (yes, I said what I did wrong, STUPID). Listen up girls…no man is worth you ever, ever compromising yourself, physically or emotionally. No man, no matter how much you love him, is worth staying with if he can’t treat you like you are precious and important every single minute of every single day. I’m still single. I think I will be single for a long time. And I’m okay with that. I’ve learned, its better than being where I was. And the real lesson I want to share is that abused women and domestic violence is not just something that happens in the low income neighborhoods and not just in some wreck of a family you see on an episode of Cops. It happens every day, to women that you probably know. Real women, who have jobs and kids, and these women need to know that there is nothing wrong with them, it is not them, and they need to know that they can get out. If you are in a situation like this, or if you think it could come to this…BE STRONG…find your INNER STRENGTH…believe that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT…and GET OUT. And get help! And take back your life. Here’s to a New Year girls!! Let’s go out there and get what we deserve!!

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