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Posts Tagged ‘healing after domestic abuse’

Dear Lord,

Today I’m asking that you give me just one moment of silence.

No, I don’t mean keep the kids quiet (although that would be nice too), no what I’m praying for is one day of silence from the turmoil in my head.

You know, the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Images of past experiences…the fear of what lies ahead, the struggle of just facing the next day.

The sad thoughts of failing as a mother.

The pressure from having to compensate for an absentee father.

The pain I feel for them for having an absentee father and the worry about the sad thoughts that must go through their heads when they think of him.

I know, that’s a lot God…but I think that I’ve done my share of good. At least I hope I’ve done my share of good.

If I haven’t, I promise I will try harder.

Just please…please give me a moment of silence.

Amen.

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So, I’m just going to lay it all out there and say that really, I don’t like men very much. In fact, I’m pretty comfortable saying I hate them. Now don’t get all critical. If you knew me, you wouldn’t blame me for feeling that way (see Mind If I Get Serious). But here’s the problem. I do really want to find love again some day. And I do really want to be in a fulfilling, long term relationship. So, how do I let go of the past and all the pain and learn to just look forward.

I’m good at pretending I’m looking forward. I smile, I laugh, I function and I know that no one really knows what’s going on inside. The pain, the anger, the fear…did I say anger? I think that may be the most important thing to let go…the anger. And I’m not necessarily angry about what happened to me in the past, or for the wasted time I spent with men who not only didn’t really love me, but treated me like shit. Because I truly believe I am who I am today, only because of the experiences I’ve had in the past. And I think I like me. I tell myself I like me so much better in my 40’s than in my 20’s. But ultimately, I guess that’s not saying much because I really didn’t like me much back then.

Here’s what angers me…I want the bad men from the past to hurt as much as me. In my head, I have created this image that they are getting along just fine. That their lives are so hunky dory (love that word) and that they don’t have any leftover pain or feel any remorse for their actions and so they just live their lives so contently. Now, reality check…I know that is not the case. I know firsthand that Douchebag Mr. #5 is going through some major legal problems right now. So his life can’t be great, right? But that doesn’t satisfy me. I want him to hurt. I want him to go to jail. I read every single word of the case minutes for his upcoming trial and it makes me angry. Like I just read that they are most likely going to offer a plea. And that infuriated me. I want him to be in jail. For a long time. He’s a pretty boy…those big guys will love him in there. But will that really make me feel better? Why can’t I just let it go? Why do I even think about him? Why do I follow the case (one of these days I’ll share what he’s going on trial for, its very scary)? I know that I will find more satisfaction in myself if I just forget about him than if I hear that he’s going to jail for 20 years. So why can’t I make myself do it?

I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m not sure what made me want to ramble on about this tonight. I guess its because I went on another date . With the doctor (same one from last weekend). He’s amazing. In an, as amazing as a guy can be as far as I’m concerned, kind of way. And I feel like it has potential. For the first time in really four years (since Mr. #5) I feel like a man has potential. But I’m afraid that I’m going to blow it. Because I just can’t let the past go.

How do I start healing? How do I start living my life again? I guess I’ve never really lived my adult life with out some sort of domestic abuse, be it physical or emotional…so how am I even supposed to know how to have a normal life? How do I learn to like myself…and most importantly, how do I learn to like myself enough to allow myself to be loved and cared for, by a man. I’m not sure how I do it. But I really want to learn!

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