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Posts Tagged ‘how not to’

Sometimes random crap just goes through my head and then I decide to write about it…unfortunately for you poor souls who have to read it! Haha but a couple of days ago I was chatting with my bestie and I was talking about the book I’m writing (yes, I’m writing a book…or more like trying to write a book because so far all I have is the title) and I mentioned how I have all these “one-liners” that I always use sometimes, you know, when you say or do something stupid and you’re like “And that’s why I’m single”! Haha and that one liner is one I use a lot, unfortunately, and which conveniently brings me to this post. I think about why I’m single…and I’d of course like to blame it on all of the stupid men I meet, but I must take some (or at least a little) blame myself. I am PICKY. So, I’ve decided to create a Want Ad…of the perfect significant other for me. I’m smiling right now because this should be good! LOL! Okay, here it goes!!

WANTED – Single male (yes, you must be single…”seperated” from your wife is not going to fly…nice try asshole), tall, handsome and nice body, with especially nice chest and arms! (Hey, this is my ad…I can ask for what I want!) Must have a good sense of humor. (Believe me, you’ll need it!) Must have a job. Must not live at home with your parents. Must have a car. And it must run. And it must be presentable enough to be left with valet! (I’m just saying). Must be younger than 65 but please, older than 22! (Unless you are a super hot 22 then I might be able to consider you but will check ID). Must be around when I want to see you. But must not expect to see me more than once maybe twice a week…or month, depending on my current mood. Must answer my texts immediately. Must be thick skinned and not get your feelings easily hurt. (Remember, good sense of humor). Must not ask me where I was…or what I was doing…I’m a single mom…just assume I was home with the kids! Must be gullible! Must be fun! Must like wine. Must like vodka. Must like paying for wine and vodka! Flowers every now and then are great…handbags are better! Must like dogs. Must never, ever assume you come before the dogs. You should love a good meal! And you should love paying for good meals! LOL! Must know when to keep your mouth shut…or even better, don’t speak…! And most of all, you must be able to tolerate a BRAT!

Hmmm, did I leave anything out? Did I say sense of humor? Yeah, without that…you can’t survive me! LOL! Any takers? 🙂 Anyone? Hello? Yep…and THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!

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Do you remember how fun dating was when you were young…you know 16, 17, 18. Even better when you were 21 and could drink! Oh those were the days. You would take hours to primp and usually even buy a new outfit to wear. Looking good was super important. I didn’t really date much when I was 18. Shoot, I only went on one date in high school. Did everything I could to avoid kissing him, much less holding his hand.I met my ex-husband when I was 19, almost 20 I believe. He was my first. I was a late bloomer. I had my first drink when I was 20. In fact, it was my sister’s bachelorette party. Not only was it my first drink but it was my first of about 20 that night…of which I believe I ended up face down in the grass somewhere near the end of the evening. Oh good times, when we were 20 something and bright eyed and hopeful. Now I’m 42. My eyes just look tired and wrinkled…and all the hope is gone. LOL!

So dating at 42 is a very different thing. I mean, there really should be a rule book or something that we can follow. Because slowly I’m learning (or maybe not learning given the fact that I’m still single) that there are definitely different dating rules when you’re 42 then when you’re 22. I don’t think I really ever perfected dating when I was 20 something so I’m really struggling now…and my past experiences over the last 20 years have made me a little bit of a pessimist about men and dating and whether there really is “true love”.

I figured if there wasn’t a Dating In Your 40’s Rule Book for me to learn from, I would just create my own (don’t create dating rule books should probably be one of the rules, but oh well). So, following are some rules I’ve learned about dating in your 40’s (with kids).

1. Blogging is not allowed. Period! (So apparently I’ve learned that blogging, which I love and find is an amazing way for me to release stress and just be honest about myself and my flaws, is frowned upon by men whom you date, especially if you say things in your blog like, “I pretty much hate all men“. Shocker, I know!

2. Don’t ever just be yourself. (Apparently being a 42 year old single mother with a lot of baggage and issues with men is not attractive) Instead, pretend that you are happy and your life is perfect and that you are madly in love with the man you are dating.

3. Do not (and I repeat, DO NOT) on your first date tell how funny you think it is that all of your exes are in jail…or about to be in jail. (Again, refer to #2…baggage and issues with men are NOT ATTRACTIVE)!

4. Who cares if you have a job, 2 teenage kids, 3 dogs, 2 birds and some friends you actually like to spend time with every now and then…always be available to meet him whenever he is available…because apparently you are not busy at all but he is very busy, so dating must be done on his schedule. (Who cares if the kids need help with homework…if you want a man..you obviously have to sacrafice ladies)!

5. Be prepared to drive to his place in order to go on a date. Apparently, chivalry went out the door in the 80’s. The men no longer come to your house to pick you up. Who knew?

6. Do not use, “I have to be with my kids” as an excuse to not be available. Apparently things like “Fantasy Football Drafts” and “Boys Strip Club Night” are acceptable however! (Note to self…figure out how to get in on this “Boys Strip Club Night” thing more often)!

7. Do not tell him how much fun you had at “Boys Strip Club Night” unless he was definitely the BOY who took you! (Lesson learned, my bad)!

8. A “2 drink minimum” only applies to nights out at the Improv…do not apply this rule to your first date.

9. Remember to repeatedly tell him that “He is the smartest, funniest, cutest, sexiest man you have ever dated and how did you get so lucky to be the girl who gets to spend time with him”. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little, blech)!

10. Spending the night on the couch with your kids and your dogs…does not count as “being too busy to date”…but I highly recommend it!

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Growing up my Dad had this “speech” he would give, over and over again. He would start it, “There are Givers and there are Takers”. And yep, that’s about all I remember. I’m sure right about then, I would zone his voice out and think about something else, anything else. I was a teenager…I didn’t care about Givers and Takers. Of course, in college, I still heard the speech. In fact, in my house, it was fun to see who you could get stuck listening to the Givers and Takers speech. Haha, when my cousin just started dating a new guy, we were walking through the house and I mentioned that she hadn’t heard the speech…and that did her in for an hour or so! Haha, ohhhhh miss those good times.

But now, as an adult. That speech. I think I suddenly realize that my Dad was right (of course, I will not ever let him hear me say that). There are Givers and Takers. You don’t have to know the rest of the lecture to understand it. The first line says it all…There are GIVERS and there are TAKERS. And I think ultimately what he was trying to say is that he raised us to be Givers…but watch out…because Givers attract TAKERS.

Man, I wish I had listened to the rest of that lecture when I was 16! Maybe I wouldn’t be so damn good at attracting the Takers. My parents really did raise all of us girls (I’m the youngest of 4) to be Givers. My Mom, she is the ULTIMATE GIVER. Geez, if Giver is in the dictionary, my Mom’s picture should be next to it. She has been giving all of her life, to my dad, to us girls, to her grandkids and now her great-grandkids. She is an Angel…and she knows how to Give, and only Give. I’m not sure she’s ever Taken in her life.

I’m proud to be like my Mom. I mean, in the whole scheme of things, I would rather be a Giver than a Taker any day of the week. But, I’ve always said that my biggest fault is this…I always take care of others, no matter what the cost to me. Sure, that makes me a great friend…but it doesn’t always make me happy. And it definitely brings the Takers to my door…sometimes more often then I’d like, unfortunately.

Of course, normally when I start a conversation about Givers and Takers, I tend to think it’s going to lead towards discussing what idiots I end up dating…and eventually not dating. But not today. Today, I’m dedicating this Givers and Takers post to the friends I’ve made. Not all of them…because luckily, through all of my dysfunction, I have managed to actually make a few good friends…Conflicted Mean Girl, for example (haha the fact that I use Conflicted Mean Girl as one of my smart friend choices makes me chuckle just a little, hahaha). And of course, any of my friends reading this…I hope you know exactly where you stand in the Givers and Takers speech.

So, lately I’ve been a little ticked off about the behavior of some of my friends. And I start to let it get to me. In fact, this past week, I’ve sort of been fuming over their behavior (or lack there of actually). I mean, when I look back at the things I’ve done for some of my friends, it practically brings tears to my eyes that they can’t give back even a quarter of what I’ve given them. I know. I know. Friendship isn’t about making everything even. Believe me, I know that. Just ask my friends. I give, without hesitation. I open my house to them for months, without a single request for money of any kind. I drive them to their cars after their drunken nights out, I give them money for gas and cat food. And I listen to them bitch about friends, boyfriends, jobs and whatever they want to bitch about. And I do all of this with the belief that with true friends, what comes around goes around. Right?

Wrong! Apparently, not everyone is like me. I always find myself disappointed when I figure this out, but yet I don’t ever seem to learn my lesson. But really, as a Giver…I attract Takers. And they just keep taking and taking and taking…until I literally feel like there is nothing left for me to give. That makes me so sad. Because I keep looking, waiting for them to start giving back to me now that I’m down in the dumps (of course, for those of you who have read my blog, my life is full of “down in the dumps” I just never lead on that it is), but this time, I am really down in the dumps…and its obvious…and my friends see it and they know it. And are they there to help, to comfort, to give advice, or to even just give me a hug? Nope…they are no where in sight.

Why? I think I know why actually. Because Takers may be Takers…but they are not dumb. And they know that when I’m down…I don’t have anything to give…SO…they just lost their use for me.

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I used to work for this local lifestyle magazine. I was the Publisher. I worked a lot. It wasn’t hard work, it was work like black tie charity events, grand openings of new restuarants, vodka tastings, parties at Gucci (yes, I’m wondering why I left too). But bottomline was I put in a lot of hours, so I had a full-time nanny. Now L (we’ll call her that to protect her identity…cause so many people read this I don’t want her stalked or anything, lol) was 19 when she started with us and the girls loved her. In fact, I remember clearly when she was gone for a week on Spring Break and about 3 days into her 7 days off, my youngest says…when is L coming back? I don’t think the kids have ever cared when I’m coming back from anywhere. Brats! I believe the second day I recall doing this: At 2:45 I tell my assistant to make sure I leave at 2:20 or I will be late to pick up the kids. Yep, see where I’m going with this. After about day 4, I sent her a text and said, “Who told you I could raise my own children? And how much would it take to make you come home now”? Haha, I was only slightly kidding! So, this brings me to remember all the times I’ve said or done something and thought to myself, “Whose idea was it that I could raise kids“? Here are some examples:

Oldest, when she was about 9, was panicking as I was dropping her off at school. She was crying and screaming that she had to get the Power Puff Girls bandaid off her leg or “J” (best friend’s older brother who she had a crush on) would make fun of her. My response…well when he makes fun of you, remind him that at least you’re not 12 and suck your thumb…like him, oh and make sure you say it in front of all of his friends. Yep, real grown up! Way to parent!

Or this…oldest was 3 years old and youngest was a newborn. We were shopping at Babies R Us and oldest is running around like a wild banshee, screaming and pulling things off the racks…so I grab her, plop her butt in the seat of the cart and say quietly but firmly in her ear…sit down and shut the hell up…at which point she replies loudly in her wild banshee voice…”I WILL NOT SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE HELL UP”! At which point I then hide my head in shame and quickly leave the Babies R Us while all the good mothers stared disapprovingly!

And this…when the oldest would come running down the hallway in tears with the youngest on her tail with fists wailing…and oldest would say, “Help me she’s going to hit me”…my response would commonly be, “Well, I’m sure you deserve it”! (In all fairness though, most of the time…she really did probably deserve it).

Or more recently, my oldest hollers at me from her bedroom, at which point I walk all the way down the hall, open the door and she says, “Can you go to Sonic and get me ice cream”? and I reply nicely, “No…but you can kiss my ass”! (Hey, I did say it very nicely).

And then of course there’s always things like this…I think Dr Pepper and a donut is the breakfast of champions…I believe I should be able to cuss but they can’t and they need to just understand that I’m an adult and I can do what ever I want, SO THERE (and I tell them that frequently)…While they are watching tv instead of doing homework; I’m sitting on the couch right next to them…And of course when they are crying at 10 pm that they are tired but still have homework, I tell them I guess they should have not watched tv; then I say good night because I’m tired and I don’t have any homework so I’ll see them in the morning!

Of course there are my favorite lines for when they ask me for something; I say, No, but thanks for asking (hey at least I’m polite)…or when they ask me to do something; I say, Let’s not and say we did. I think those are very legitimate responses to, can you get me a drink and let’s go for a walk.

I remember when I was pregnant with my youngest and my oldest was yelling at me or bossing me or something (if you haven’t noticed, the oldest was quite the handful…hell who am I kidding, she is still a handful) and I turned to my mom and said, “At what point did I lose my sanity and think I could handle a second one“?

And now, almost 13 years later, I’m still wondering that.

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I think I just created a new word…Singleness. Is that a word? Whatever. I’m taking credit for it. So yesterday I mentioned about discovering that I am cognisant (Conflicted Mean Girl, can I go home now with the use of that big word?) of certain things I do or say that might (I say might, but I’m pretty confident) be reason for me still being single after all these years. Since I had at least 10 reasons to start and I’m sure that list will grow, instead of just writing a post, I dedicated a page to it. So, if you get a chance, go check it out. And if you can add to the list…please do. I think it’s healthy for us to be able to laugh at ourselves every now and then and not just at the men that have made us this way!

AND THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!

PS – The date went well…I’m sure I will share more later!

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Ugh…for the first time in a while, I have so much to talk about…but now I’m blocked by the lack of time to actually do the talking. I have a date tonight. I don’t want to say too much more than that. Don’t want to jinx it. I do enough damage on my own, so no sense in adding any more stress to the situation! Which sort of leads me to what I wanted to talk about today…why I’m single. I find myself often either saying something or doing something and I will pause and follow it up with…AND THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE! This morning, I was lying in bed with my monkey mask on…yep, pictures to follow…and I laughed a little and said to Ginger, who was sleeping next to me on her pink, silk pillow (another reason I’m single, see a trend?)…and I said, geez, no wonder I’m single. Then I thought…Oh.My.God. I could dedicate a whole page to reasons I know first hand why I’m still single after all these years! So, I promise that in the next couple of days I am going to get to that dedicated page…but for now I’m just going to leave you with this parting thought:

And This Is Why I'm Single!

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I say Ex’s…because yes there are plural. In fact, there are lots of ex’s, no currents! I think I like it better that way. So, let’s just say that the last 4 months or so have been a little rough. I mean I could give the long story, but that would be a long post so the short story is…my life is an effing mess right now! Whew, it almost feels better just saying it. And that exclamation point helped release some tension. So, after #5 (see Red Flags), or as Conflicted Mean Girl calls him, Mr. Douche, I really have spent the last 4 years thinking I will never ever feel love again. In walks the Ex that I got a text from tonight. So, my friends introduce me to this Ex, let’s call him Daddy Warbucks (Mean Girl you know who I’m talking about) and before I know it…and seriously, I mean before I know it like 3 weeks into it, I’m spewing things like I miss you and I love you…words usually only spoken to my dogs and occasionally to my teenagers (haha I kid). But, the good part is, this man did make me realize that I was capable of loving someone again, even after #5 chewed me up, spit me out and lit me on fire just to make sure I was completely finished! So of course, when this Daddy Warbucks decided to pull the plug after 5 or 6 good months of complete infatuation, let’s just say I was a little side swiped (I would talk about some craziness I might have had in the last month but that would change the whole subject of guys are stupid and point the finger at me a little, and since this is my blog, eff that, I refuse to do it. If he wants a finger pointed at me, he can get his own effing blog). Whew, always feel a little better after I spew some evil like that! Anyways, so he dumps me and I move on. But, not really because unfortunately I see him out often since we live in the same neighborhood and we text occasionally since neither of us is stable enough to delete each other’s numbers. So, tonight, the whole point of this post, is that after a long evening of texts and a phone call where he tells me that he always imagined he would marry me (this is the point where I dry heave, without the use of my finger) he sends a final text (most likely in relation to my letting him know how unstable my life is right now) that says this;

Fear knocked at the door…Faith answered…No one was there.

And I responded this;

I kicked Faith’s ass a long time ago! Fear paid me to do!

And that was the end of the texting. Haha I love me!

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