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Posts Tagged ‘moms’

Sometimes random crap just goes through my head and then I decide to write about it…unfortunately for you poor souls who have to read it! Haha but a couple of days ago I was chatting with my bestie and I was talking about the book I’m writing (yes, I’m writing a book…or more like trying to write a book because so far all I have is the title) and I mentioned how I have all these “one-liners” that I always use sometimes, you know, when you say or do something stupid and you’re like “And that’s why I’m single”! Haha and that one liner is one I use a lot, unfortunately, and which conveniently brings me to this post. I think about why I’m single…and I’d of course like to blame it on all of the stupid men I meet, but I must take some (or at least a little) blame myself. I am PICKY. So, I’ve decided to create a Want Ad…of the perfect significant other for me. I’m smiling right now because this should be good! LOL! Okay, here it goes!!

WANTED – Single male (yes, you must be single…”seperated” from your wife is not going to fly…nice try asshole), tall, handsome and nice body, with especially nice chest and arms! (Hey, this is my ad…I can ask for what I want!) Must have a good sense of humor. (Believe me, you’ll need it!) Must have a job. Must not live at home with your parents. Must have a car. And it must run. And it must be presentable enough to be left with valet! (I’m just saying). Must be younger than 65 but please, older than 22! (Unless you are a super hot 22 then I might be able to consider you but will check ID). Must be around when I want to see you. But must not expect to see me more than once maybe twice a week…or month, depending on my current mood. Must answer my texts immediately. Must be thick skinned and not get your feelings easily hurt. (Remember, good sense of humor). Must not ask me where I was…or what I was doing…I’m a single mom…just assume I was home with the kids! Must be gullible! Must be fun! Must like wine. Must like vodka. Must like paying for wine and vodka! Flowers every now and then are great…handbags are better! Must like dogs. Must never, ever assume you come before the dogs. You should love a good meal! And you should love paying for good meals! LOL! Must know when to keep your mouth shut…or even better, don’t speak…! And most of all, you must be able to tolerate a BRAT!

Hmmm, did I leave anything out? Did I say sense of humor? Yeah, without that…you can’t survive me! LOL! Any takers? ­čÖé Anyone? Hello? Yep…and THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!

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Very Friendly Butterfly!

They say if a butterfly lands on you it means good luck! I think it’s just plain cute!

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I always tell my daughters, “You probably should be nicer to each other, one of these days you may wake up and discover that each other is all you have”. Of course, it goes on deaf ears. Just like I’m sure it did when I was younger and I was irritated with one of my 3 sisters. Raising two girls sure has made me appreciate my mother, who raised 4. Every time I tell my parents stories of the trials and tribulations of raising 2 girls, they just smile and I know they are thinking “Payback’s a bitch”!! Well, probably without the bitch part, since I definitely didn’t learn my cussing from my parents! LOL!

So, a while back, my mom gave the 4 of us girls this USB filled with pictures. She took and scanned in pictures of us growing up, categorized them by daughter and then saved them to a USB for each of us. Then, when realizing she had so much room on the USB, she saved each individual ones, to each others…so basically, we all have each others pictures. My mother is amazing and I don’t want to even get started on that, because this post is supposed to be about my sisters, and I could write about my amazing mother for days. So anyways…the recent family camping trip reminded me about my USB and so I looked through the pictures again last night. They make me laugh…they make me think, what the hell were we wearing…they make me cry, wishing I lived right next door to all of them…and they make me realize…hey, did I ever get new stuff? I mean, I know I’m the youngest…but did I only get hand me downs? LOL! I might file a formal complaint!

What I’ve learned as an adult, and which I try to tell my girls, even though they don’t listen, is that I do remember cat fights at my house. I do remember wishing I was an only child. I do remember wishing I had my own room or I didn’t have to wear hand me downs. But now, those things are just stories and pictures, that we laugh about. Now, I am so grateful to have my sisters in my life. We’ve had a few “girls trips” over the years and boy, the laughter that still comes from thinking about those nights…Paula blowing the power at the casita…Laura falling down the stairs…Kathy and I having a few too many tequila shots and losing the car and our credit cards! I can’t imagine my life without my sisters…and yet 30 years ago, I would have traded any of them for a puppy in a heart beat! LOL!

The Four of Us

My mother used to dress us alike. My dad used to say it’s because she made our clothes from the old curtains! LOL! But seriously, she did make all of our clothes. She and my aunts would get together and they would sew clothes for all of us kids. (Who does that? Do any mom’s do that anymore?) And unfortunately they were always matching!

It's like a freak show with all the matching! LOL!

We would have the same material, but they would be different patterns. That was great for Laura, the oldest, because she only had to wear it once…but me, yeah, hand me downs, so basically it looked like I wore the same thing for like 4 years…because I had to wear everyone else’s clothes! Haha, I have proof Mom, don’t think you’re getting away with this!

Notice the red and blue dresses!

And then…

Notice the red and blue dresses now!!

I talked about my family a little in my post about our family camping trip and I might have concentrated then on how crazy funny my family is. But I think when I look back through all these pictures of me and my sisters I can’t help but think about how amazing my parents were at raising us to actually “be sisters”. Yes, maybe they had to force us to spend time together then, and hell, they even force us to spend time together now (couple years ago they paid for us all to go on a cruise for their 50th anniversary and of course, there is the annual family camping trip) but they taught us how important it is to be a family…and I hope it’s something that I can show my girls as well. It’s hard for me, with a broken family. I worry about whether I can instill that in them as my parents did us…but a family doesn’t mean you have to be a dad, mom and 2.5 kids living in a big house with a white picket fence. A family means you have to love each other, tolerate each other and support each other. The tolerate thing I’m still trying to teach my girls. LOL! I guess that will come in time! Hmmm, I wonder if my sisters are still just tolerating me? ­čÖé

Vacationing in San Diego!

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This past weekend my entire family went on our annual camping trip. Yes, there were a few members missing but I believe we still had about 25 people there. All in one cabin. Yep, I’m going to say that again. ALL. IN. ONE. CABIN!!!! Haha, you can already imagine the fun, can’t you? But seriously, my family is fun. I wonder if most people can say that? I always tend to get sort of lost in my own little bubble and feel like I’m so normal, but the more I look around, the more I see that I’m the different one. So maybe everyone doesn’t vacation annually with their entire family in one cabin. I guess it’s their loss. Because it truly is a very fun time for all of us.

You see, I grew up camping. Since before I can even remember, my family (including aunts, uncles, grandparents & cousins) has always spent the summertime camping in the White Mountains. Now when we were young, we camped in tents. You know, the type of camping where you can’t take showers and you pee behind a bush. Although, thank goodness my Dad has always been a camping freak and therefore always had the latest inventions…like porta-potties! LOL! I still am not good at the “pee behind a bush thing”. Definitely spoiled. So anyways, growing up…we spent most camping trips at the same campsite. No, I don’t mean at the same location in the White Mountains…I mean at the exact same campsite at that exact same location in the White Mountains. Dad – Camping Freak…remember?!!! I remember us getting there one time and someone was in our spot…yeah, that didn’t go over well. My Dad stalked those people until they left…then we moved camp into OUR spot. Haha, bet those people have never been camping since.

Me & my Mom and sisters, Kathy & Paula

But now, we are all older…and things like showers seem so much more important. Although, I will be the first to admit…I didn’t shower on this last trip. I’m still a believer in the “if you’re camping, you get dirty” thing. But, really with all those people, a cabin is really easier. Especially for feeding all of us. And boy, do we eat well. This year there was an entire table (and several buckets) dedicated to just the snack foods. I think I ate my weight in gummy bears! And Saturday morning breakfast…Egg McMuffins. Yep, and I am the Queen of making the round eggs for them. Maybe I could get a job at McDonalds? Wait…I think my niece suggested that. Thanks a lot Michelle!! LOL! Anyways, I digress, camping with my family is an experience that I will treasure for the rest of my life. This year I think was our 13th or 14th year. So my youngest has grown up doing this trip. This year, we had 3 of the 5 great grandkids with us. If you ask me, my parents are the most amazing people around…getting their whole family together like that every year…just so we can all make fun of each other!

If you're camping...you get dirty!

Dirt at its finest!

So of course, there are certain traditions that we do every year…like The Great Boodini, the biggest fish competition, the Sam Ting joke (yeah, its not really funny, but all my life I’ve never been able to say “same thing” without saying “Sam Ting”) and this year we started a new tradition…Minute to Win It games. Of course, there’s also the Abandoned Cabin walk. Yep, its just what it sounds like. We all go for a walk through all of the abandoned cabins and we talk about ghosts and finding dead bodies…and most times there is at least one “scary moment” when someone screams! Yeah, it sounds dumb…but it wouldn’t be a family camping trip without it.

The Great Boodini!!

So, The Great Boodini. That started so long ago. There are 4 girls in my family…yes I know, my poor Father…and amongst us we have 11 kids (my baby is the youngest of them at 13 now). Those 11 now have 5 kids amongst them. Geez, everytime I think about that I feel so old. Every camping trip, my Father would do magic tricks for the 11 kids. And every year he got better and spent more money on tricks. Eventually he became, The Great Boodini, and the box of tricks was made and I believe the kids even made him a cape and hat. Then, those 11 kids started to become teenagers…and those darn boys…they started to learn The Great Boodini’s tricks. And that pissed The Great Boodini off…so he went into retirement. LOL! But now, last year, he had a reappearance…and now he has a whole new audience to play too. And the little ones, they loved it! And The Great Boodini has learned to ignore the heckling from the crowd of obnoxious older kids (and their parents, LOL). Or maybe he’s just losing his hearing? Whatever, he is a true professional…and I look forward to more years of him!

So this year, we decided to add a night of Minute to Win It games to our schedule. My youngest looked up a bunch of games, made all the notes, bought all the supplies and ran the whole shebang! And it was a blast. We seperated into 2 teams…the Bad Asses and the Tight Asses (yep, I keep saying, my family is crazy). All I have to say is…it was HYSTERICAL. Yep…my family finds amusement in the silliest of things…mostly making fun of each other….so a night of stupid games where you’re putting panty hose over your head, yeah that is classic shit for us! Ahhh, the memories. And years of embarrassing stories to follow!

Looking nice Bill!

Alex & Taylor stacking dice!

I guess it’s hard to explain my family. I mean, to me I think we are just hilarious. From my Dad’s stupid jokes to our ability to make fun of each other on a non-stop basis…the rule growing up was, “whoever is not here is who we talk about”. But, since just about everyone is there at camping…we just make fun of my Dad. I mean, he really is an easy target. And if you can’t laugh at each other, who can you laugh at. Every year, of course, the guys spend most of their time fishing…while us girls sit up at the cabin and make fun of the guys. Hey, whoever’s not there, remember?!! But last year, my Dad brought up this singing fish. You know, that really annoying fish plaque that moves and sings. Yeah, funny…as long as you don’t have to listen to it for days on end. And so began a new tradition of whoever caught the largest fish had to take the fish plaque home (it has been, for some reason unbeknownst to me, named Frankie) and it must be displayed in the winner’s house for every one to see. Yep, and believe me, it is a rule that is enforced. My poor nephew won last year and I think he had just moved into his first apartment by himself. If that’s not a great way to turn women off, I don’t know what is. Sorry Christopher! LOL! So this year, not only was Frankie prominently displayed at the cabin all weekend but the winner also received a little poem my Dad wrote (yep, get the idea, he’s goofy) and for the rest of the year…the winner’s vote counts for 2 votes at any family decisions. Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up. My family really is that funny. Apparently we make family decisions…because I’ll tell you, that seemed to be an important part of winning. So, those boys set out to catch the largest fish…longing for Frankie (and the double vote power) and by Saturday afternoon, one of my nephews was in the lead with a 15 inch trout. And then Saturday evening came along…and along comes…GIRL POWER!!!! My nephew’s girlfriend (yep she’s family now) on her first shot at it, comes back with a 15 1/4 inch winner! Yah…we girls now have more power in the family decisions. Watch out boys! Next year we might just make you all watch Steel Magnolias!

Victoria's Winning Fish!!

Papa presenting Frankie!

I didn’t set out to write this long of a post. I guess it shows that when it comes to my family, I just can’t say enough. Some of my greatest memories of growing up are from camping…and I am so happy that my girls will be able to say the same thing when they are older. And hopefully we will still be getting together in the White Mountains every summer…for a weekend of laughter, bad jokes and a lifetime of embarrassing stories about each other!

The 2011 Summer Camping Crew!

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So, let’s just say…I would like to marry Mr. Clean! So, anyone who knows me well, knows I do not believe in marriage…so the fact that I say I would like to marry anyone , says a lot. This really has been the most random of realizations. Of course, most things running through my head are extremely random (as noted in my last post) but this is actually quite entertaining how this has all come about.

So, its Friday night. My weekend entails this…Saturday Conflicted Mean Girl is coming over with the little munchkin (YAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we are going to lay by the pool, drink some pina coladas and then after the little one’s daddy comes and picks her up, me and the Mean Girl are going to get some crazy on. Or at least…that’s what we old folks are going to call it (me being much older than her but I’m dragging her in to that description anyways). And then on Sunday…my PARENTS. ARE. COMING. Now its just for the day, yes. They only live about 2 hours away. And they come up once a month to buy me groceries at Costco (I love being the only single daughter out of four…and my dad assumes without a man, I need help…which, Dad…please keep assuming…because I do…LOVE THEM). But the point is…MY. PARENTS. ARE. COMING! And I’m the worst housekeeper in the world. So…it’s Friday. Saturday is “Get your crazy on day”, so when the hell am I supposed to clean?

So…that being said. Came home tonight. Had some McDonald’s with the youngest one (yeah that should give me some energy, NOT) and then thought, shit…I need some wine…and some energy. Yeah wine doesn’t really ever give me energy…but this was an emergency, so I tried. I mean…if you could see my house. Yeah. It is JUST SHY OF BEING ON AN EPISODE OF COPS! Haha I always tell the girls that when I’m trying to get them to help me clean. Yeah, it doesn’t really work. Anyways…I’m like 2 1/2 paragraphs in and you’re now probably wondering why I started this post with, I want to marry Mr. Clean. Ok, so here it goes…I got on a roll cleaning. And really, that’s all it takes…so I’m working my way through the house and I get to my bathroom. Now, the other shower in the house is broken so we all use my shower…and with 3 girls in the house, and about 400 hair, body and face products…my shower is not pretty. I say, not pretty…because that’s the nicest thing I can say about it…without throwing up a little in my mouth.

Ok…so I worked my way through the house and got to the shower…I feel like I need some horror movie music right now…I open the shower door…UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Yeah…THAT. GROSS!!!! So, my dad has mixed up this bleach and whatever else mixture for me and left it in my bathroom (obviously because he’s had to shower in there before) so I start by spraying that on the floor, which is almost black (its really white tile) and on the wall behind where the 40 bottles of shampoo and conditioner usually sit (lots of mold, YUCK). And I let it sit. And I scrub. And I spray some more. And I let it sit. And I scrub. WHAT THE HELL! WHAT IS THIS SHIT…KRYPTONITE??? Nothing. Still black. Still mold. Arms. Tired. Bleach. Killing. Me! What now???!!!

So, I look under my kitchen sink where I for some reason have a collection of cleaning items and cleansers. Odd that I would spend so much money on stuff that I never use. Oh yeah…I have all the right ideas…just never seem to put it all in motion. Okay, so this is where Mr. Clean comes in. So, under the sink is a Scotch Brite Tub & Shower Scrubber (brand new) which is like 5 inches long and has this very tough, scratchy blue stuff on one side of it. And then there’s the normal sponge I was already using, Scotch Brite (why the hell do I have all of this Scotch Brite in my house?) No Scratch Sponge with scratchy blue stuff on one side (odd since it is “no scratch”) and then way in the back is this used Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. You know the one I’m talking about. They advertise that you don’t need any cleaners, just this sponge and it magically cleans stuff all sorts of counters and tubs and yes, even showers. Well guess what…it is MAGIC! OMG…this thing is amazing! No kidding, here, AMAZING!

Ok, so this is how it all went down…me on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor, shower door wide open, shower water running, bleach sprayed, and all 3 sponges sitting at a hands reach…ready for the showdown with that black crap! First the Shower Scrubber, because hell, shower scrubber is in it’s name so this shit should work…scrubbing. Scrubbing some more. Arm. Getting. Tired. Scrub some more. What the hell?!!? This isn’t a shower scrubber. This is a frickin Ab Glider, but for arms. STUPID. Okay, on to the other Scotch Brite sponge…because it’s exactly the same as the other frickin Scotch Brite product only smaller and a different shade of blue, so that should work better. Yeah…nothing. This is ridiculous. My parents will show up Sunday and I’ll still be on the floor of the bathroom. My right arm will be bigger…but the shower will still be black!

So, I grab the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Wait. For. It. YEP! What the hell is this thing? That black is fading. I spray some more bleach…come on, the Scotch Brite had some bleach so I wanted it to be fair…and more black fading. In fact, black almost gone. And that yuckiness behind the 40 million shampoo and conditioner bottles…yeah that’s disappearing too! What is this thing? Oh wait…yeah…it’s not a Shower Scrubber…IT”S FRICKIN MAGIC PEOPLE…yeah…I’ll say it again…FRICKIN MAGIC (Mr. Clean, you are welcome to quote me in your next commercial)!!!

Okay, I’m usually a skeptic. I mean, I know those models in the Victoria’s Secret Catalog are not that perfect (or that’s what I tell myself) and I know that dog in the commercial doesn’t really like that Kibbles and Bits that much (cause my dogs hate it)…but this crap is real. It really does work. Sheez, this must be the first advertisement that isn’t pulling my leg. I am blown away! It really does work. Now, I am pretty cheap (I don’t even know how much these things cost) and of course I am broke…but I will be running out and buying me more of these Mr. Clean Magic Erasers (I’m not even sure where this first one came from but believe me, I owe someone some thanks). These things are totally worth whatever money they will cost me (or my parents, here’s keeping my fingers crossed that they sell them at Costco in a huge frickin box of 100).

Now listen up Moms! I am honestly telling you (and we Moms really have to help each other out) that these things really do work and it seriously made cleaning easier and faster. And believe me, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser is not paying me to say this (although I would not refuse a nice little gift of say, 20 or 30 sponges) but if you have not tried these things…do it. Do it and let me know if it works as well for you as it did for me…or maybe it was just the wine. No…No, it was definitely the Magic!!!

Oh, and on a side note…I’ll be registering at Target…you can just look up Mr. and Mrs. Clean!!

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I went out tonight…had a drink with a friend…came home…went out had another drink with some friends…See, the youngest is on her 7th grade trip in Washington DC with her class this week. And my oldest, well the last thing she wants to do is hang out with me…so after getting off work, I found myself with some free time. So I took advantage of it and visited with friends for a little bit. Something I don’t get to do often unless they come to my house. I was home early, 8:30ish and so after doing the dishes and chatting with the oldest for a little bit, thought I would finally sit down and blog a little. I had every intention of talking about how sometimes I have these revelations of how dysfunctional I really am. And believe me, that’s a post I will get to eventually. BUT…I got on Twitter first, you know, just because I’m addicted, and low and behold…the beautiful Vivienne tweeted me that she awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award! Ha! Me. A Stylish Blogger! I wanted to run and call my parents. Ring up the sisters. Step outside and shout it out to the world! But then I realized…the only people that are really going to understand my excitement, are you beautiful bloggers…and my tweeps! Which of course, is what this award is about…us bloggers!

So, apparently, as Vivi wrote in her blog post…there are some rules that apply to receiving this award (and she might have said something about a check…I’ll have to go back and read again, lol). So here goes…cause I’m super excited about this so I don’t want to mess up (you know…like taking a month to actually respond to receiving the award or something…you know…hint, hint! LOL, I kid…REALLY)! So here it goes:

1. I must thank the person who awarded me and link back to her. Done and done again…and one more time, check Vivienne out at her blog here. Thank you so much…You are so beautiful and I always look forward to chatting with you on Twitter and reading your blog! You are very special and I’m so thankful to be recognized by you!!

2. Share 7 things about yourself. What? Really? 7 things? If I say something wrong can you take this award away from me? Do I have to say something stylish? Or can I just be stupid like normal? Okay, here goes: Hmmm, 7 things…this is hard….usually I like to talk about myself but the pressure…of 7 things…okay I’m ready;

1. I was a gymnast all my life…from about 3 or 4 until high school, which is when I gave up gymnastics to ride horses competitively.

2. I am deathly afraid of sharks. Will not even go in the ocean past about my ankles. I mean deathly afraid. And don’t tell me there’s no sharks there…it’s an ocean…there are sharks.

3. I am a co-dependent. (Yeah, you’ve probably all already figured that out, but I need 7 things)

4. My favorite food of all times is hotdogs. I would choose hotdogs over steak and artichokes or anything for that matter. And preferably with kraut!

5. I don’t like grill marks on my meat…but I love my meat grilled…yeah, and that’s why I’m single!!

6. I am addicted to Dr Pepper. And I don’t mean like, Oh I like DP, yummy…no I mean addicted…like don’t ask me to choose between DP and a child…might not turn out so good!

7. I am a horrible housekeeper. And again, that’s why I’m single! LOL!

Okay, I feel like those are the lamest 7 things…but I did it. So now onto step 3.

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers. Now. This. Is. EASY! Well, actually, going to be hard to limit to 15…but here goes;

1. Conflicted Mean Girl – Not really newly discovered…but she’s the reason I’m even blogging in the first place…and her blog posts always crack me up! Love You!!

2. Shamrocks & Shenanigans

3. Carrie Fairy Thoughts

4. Marina Sleep’s Blog

5. B*tches in the Burbs

6. Life in the House that Asperger Built

7. Yeah. Good Times.

8. Little Things

9. Laundry Hurts My Feelings

10. Cici’s Theories

11. Bees With Honey

12. Carousel Ride

13. Lori Dyan

14. Living With Logan

15. Not Enough Patience & Never Enough Jewelry

Whew, that was easy…except attaching all of those links! But believe me, all of these blogs are worth it so please go check them out! And now onto rule #4.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Well, you read the rule…so I have to go let these wonderful gals know how Stylish they are! Buh bye for now!!

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As the mother of two teenage girls there are times when I find myself thinking, “Where did I go wrong”? Haha, I kid…but really, there are definitely times when I say to myself, “Didn’t I teach them that”? Now, don’t get me wrong…my girls are amazing. And they are polite and they are respectful at school and to others. I have more than enough times been told by teachers or their friend’s parents how sweet and well mannered my girls are. They know not to talk to strangers and never get in a car with someone they don’t know. They know you don’t drink and you don’t do drugs and please, please, please don’t get pregnant! But what I’m talking about are the things that you don’t realize are important to teach your kids until they’re grown and you realize it’s now too late. Things like, this is a trash can…the place you put your trash! See, didn’t know you had to teach them that…did you?

So this is for all you new moms out there. These are the little things that you may not really know are taught skills and don’t just come naturally to these little buggers. Hell, if I can spare one mom from having to flush the toilet after sniffing her way through the house trying to figure out what that smell is, then I’ve done my job! So here it goes!

1. Like I’ve already mentioned, putting your own trash in the trash can is not an instinct…it is a learned skill. And believe me…it is one of the hardest skills to teach. Heck, algebraic equations are nothing compared to, “This is trash. This is a trash can. This is how you put your own trash in the trash can”. See, even sounds hard doesn’t it. I’ve often thought I needed a neon flashing light TRASH CAN sign with an arrow pointing down however, more than enough times I’ve seen them carry their trash into the kitchen. Only to later find it sitting on the counter, right above the trash can. I’m sure that last 6 inches would have killed them.

2. A closet. Nope they don’t automatically know what a closet is either. So repeat this many times in those first couple of years so that it sticks with them when they’re teens…”This is a closet. This is the kitchen floor. Closet…Kitchen Floor…Closet…Kitchen Floor…Closet…Kitchen Floor”. I’m sure you get the picture!

3. Flushing the toilet! If you think potty training is hard, just wait until you go flush the toilet one day because it hasn’t been flushed in, I don’t know, maybe 4 or 5 uses. And then when you flush it, the extreme load of toilet paper clogs it up and then you find yourself plunging the toilet as yucky toilet water splashes all over your feet. Yup…important thing to note…you will never, ever be able to teach them how to use the plunger…so make sure you introduce them to that little thing on the side of the toilet called the “flusher”!!

4. Rinsing a dish. Yep, a very easy task that we moms know to just do. Why do we know it? Because we do the dishes. And when we’ve been scrubbing hardened, melted cheese off a plate for 25 minutes, we realize we are the only ones that must know this. I always say to my girls, “If you had to do the dishes, you would remember to rinse your plate before you put it in the sink”. Wait, I have a thought…can you teach your kids to do the dishes? Haha, I dream!

Am I scaring you new moms yet? And you thought Please and Thank You were the hard ones!

5. The Hamper. Yep, the Hamper. I’m not sure my teenagers know what a Hamper is. I mean they know how to use cell phones and iPods and dvd players and record shows on the dvr (I’m exaggerating a little here because we don’t even have cable at home, much less a dvr, but not important). They can use computers and Google stuff that I wouldn’t even think about Googling, (Was googling even a word when I was a kid?). They know how to put outfits together that would make Tyra Banks proud and they know how to straighten (or curl) their hair like a pro. BUT THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A HAMPER IS!!!!! H.A.M.P.E.R, kids! It’s that thing in your room, in the hallway, in my room, and in the laundry room that holds dirty clothes. And yes, I said “dirty” clothes, so please stop throwing the clean ones in there just because you don’t know where the “closet” is yet!!!

6. Teaching them to walk. Yes, I know, you parents of one year olds right now are saying…I’m teaching that now…how can this be an issue when they’re 13 and 16. Oh it is. Believe me. When is it an issue? Here’s an example…We are all sitting in the living room enjoying a good episode of Glee or maybe American Idol, and one of the kids will say, “Can you get me a drink”? Uh, didn’t I teach you to walk when you were one? Did you forget? What’s that song, “Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you’ll be walking cross the floor”. Or more importantly, maybe I should sing them the next line, “Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you’ll be walking out the door“! Yeah, you heard me!!

7. The definition of a parent. Yes, Webster’s says something simple like “a father or a mother”. But it leaves out important things like, “person who gets to make all the rules, what they say goes and is the final decision maker in everything”! Make sure your kids learn this part of the definition. Also important to note, that you should never let them believe the definition of parent is, the one who pays for everything, picks up everything, cooks everything and never gets a break!

8. There is no such thing as a Money Tree! Believe me…they believe in the money tree as strongly as they believe there is a fat man in a red suit that somehow gets into the house even when you don’t have a chimney! But as hard as I’ll defend that a frickin Bunny comes round once a year (seriously, a bunny, WTF, how did we ever believe this when we were kids, I mean man in the red suit I can sort of defend, but bunny, ugh, seriously) I will strongly defend that there is no money tree…for anything. Because believe me…teens…they figure if you don’t have money for rent, you might still be able to be able to raid “The Tree” to pay for quitar lessons from that guy who tried out to be the backup to the backup guitarist of some band that I’ve never heard of!! And hey, if any of you have some secret insight to this “Money Tree” thing that I’m not aware of…real friends share. That’s all I’m saying!

9. Adult Time Out. Okay, listen up…teach this early. That Adults get time out too! This is really, really an important lesson to teach them. I remember the first time I made my oldest mad and she told me I needed a time out. I was like, really? OMG, you are right. Mommy has been very bad. I better go to my room for a couple hours by myself and think about what I’ve done. And I better take this bottle of wine…and maybe this shrimp cocktail to help me think. Fish is good for your brain you know, so I’ll think better! So, right from the start make them aware of “Adult Time Out”…because it may be your only chance for a break some days. And you better quickly learn how to break the rules!!

10. Teach them that no matter how many times they forget to put their trash in the trash can…or however many times we find clean clothes with the dirty clothes on the floor instead of the HAMPER…or however many times we try to break the rules, but they still never put us in time out…that we love them anyways. Because a Mom’s love is unconditional. And that’s definitely not a lesson you can teach…but they will eventually learn. And hopefully they’ll learn it while they’re across the country going to college because you didn’t work this hard to pay for school close to home now did you!!!! ­čÖé

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