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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Sometimes random crap just goes through my head and then I decide to write about it…unfortunately for you poor souls who have to read it! Haha but a couple of days ago I was chatting with my bestie and I was talking about the book I’m writing (yes, I’m writing a book…or more like trying to write a book because so far all I have is the title) and I mentioned how I have all these “one-liners” that I always use sometimes, you know, when you say or do something stupid and you’re like “And that’s why I’m single”! Haha and that one liner is one I use a lot, unfortunately, and which conveniently brings me to this post. I think about why I’m single…and I’d of course like to blame it on all of the stupid men I meet, but I must take some (or at least a little) blame myself. I am PICKY. So, I’ve decided to create a Want Ad…of the perfect significant other for me. I’m smiling right now because this should be good! LOL! Okay, here it goes!!

WANTED – Single male (yes, you must be single…”seperated” from your wife is not going to fly…nice try asshole), tall, handsome and nice body, with especially nice chest and arms! (Hey, this is my ad…I can ask for what I want!) Must have a good sense of humor. (Believe me, you’ll need it!) Must have a job. Must not live at home with your parents. Must have a car. And it must run. And it must be presentable enough to be left with valet! (I’m just saying). Must be younger than 65 but please, older than 22! (Unless you are a super hot 22 then I might be able to consider you but will check ID). Must be around when I want to see you. But must not expect to see me more than once maybe twice a week…or month, depending on my current mood. Must answer my texts immediately. Must be thick skinned and not get your feelings easily hurt. (Remember, good sense of humor). Must not ask me where I was…or what I was doing…I’m a single mom…just assume I was home with the kids! Must be gullible! Must be fun! Must like wine. Must like vodka. Must like paying for wine and vodka! Flowers every now and then are great…handbags are better! Must like dogs. Must never, ever assume you come before the dogs. You should love a good meal! And you should love paying for good meals! LOL! Must know when to keep your mouth shut…or even better, don’t speak…! And most of all, you must be able to tolerate a BRAT!

Hmmm, did I leave anything out? Did I say sense of humor? Yeah, without that…you can’t survive me! LOL! Any takers? 🙂 Anyone? Hello? Yep…and THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!

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So, apparently the world is ending on Saturday. Man, just like me to wait until Thursday to realize that I am sooooo not prepared. Can we push it back until next Saturday? No? Okay, guess that’s asking a lot. So, all this talk of the end of the world has got me thinking about all the things I haven’t done yet, but definitely want to before I’m gone. Not little things like the laundry (mainly so I will have clean panties come Saturday) but those big things…you know, like “take over the world” big (of course, can mark that one off since there won’t be a world come Sunday apparently)! Anyways…here’s the short list of my bucket list…(and maybe, just maybe, someone wants to push this thing back a week or two so I can get this all done)!

1. Travel to Austria to see the Lippizan Stallions at the Spanish Riding School. (This seems weird to start with this one, but I’ve dreamed of this ever since I was a teenager riding my own Andalusian).

2. Get my college degree.

3. Move to the mountains and raise horses and dogs.

4. Go to Paris! See if I can remember any of the 5 years of French I took in high school and college. LOL!

5. See my daughters marry amazing men who will treat them like Princesses and live long, happy, and healthy lives. (That’s not asking too much is it)?

6. Go on a girls trip to Vegas with my 3 sisters. No GUYS!! Husbands stay home!

7. Have a million dollars. (If someone would just give it to me that would be best, working for it seems like a lot of work)!

8. Start my own charity to help loving pet owners help pay for vet bills, food and grooming for the pets they devote their lives to.

9. Run my own fashion magazine.

10. Go to the CMA’s (Country Music Awards for those of you saying, the what?).

11. Pose in Playboy! (Seriously, I have wanted to do this since I was in college. I truly believe it would be the hottest I could ever look)!

12. Own a pair of Christian Louboutins. Or 100 pair, either way!

13. Buy a convertible BMW!

14. Learn to sing.

15. Fall in love. Real love. Everlasting, unbelievably amazing love. Yeah, that kind of love. Fall in that kind of love.

Wow, this list really is kind of lame. Apparently, I haven’t thought much about it. Maybe I’m just a big dork, but really I’d like to think its because I am very satisfied with my life and what I have done and seen so far. And maybe, just maybe, if the world really was ending on Saturday, I really wouldn’t have any regrets. (Except maybe that Playboy thing)!!

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Today I hosted a brunch at my house for my friends. Now, I say friends lightly because realistically, I pick friends like I pick men….NOT GOOD! But lucky for me, I have somehow managed to collect a few, actual good ones along the way. And I seriously mean, luckily, because I don’t know what I’d do without those few, actual good ones! So, I of course invited all my “friends” to the brunch with the naiveness that I thought they were all going to come because they love me and of course they would love to do nothing more with their Sunday then spend the day with me. Haha, and that’s why I’m single, because I think men feel that way about me too. I mean seriously, I’m 42, you’d think I’d learn by now. But nope, not me, I keep having hope!

So where was I , oh yeah…dreaming that I have real friends! Haha. Ultimately, I do! I have Conflicted Mean Girl and her little munchkin. They come by regularly and even though I’ve known them for a mere 4 years (one year for the little munchkin) I truly feel blessed to have them in my life and know that someday I will be attending the munchkin’s wedding (sorry to scare you Conflicted Mean Girl, just trying to make the point that you’ll be in my life forever)! And then there’s my friend Nurse Jen and her boyfriend (hopefully soon to be fiance, Dean). Sometimes I feel like I only talk to her maybe 3 or 4 times a month. But you know what, when I plan something like a birthday party for my friends to celebrate my kids birthdays (because my kids love my friends) Nurse Jen and Dean are the ones that show up. So, the point is I have a few good friends, and I am so thankful for them. But then there are the friends that I think are “friends” and every time I do something like, host a brunch or lose my job, I wait for them to show up and prove they are friends…and they fail every time.

So ultimately, that leads me to think…what really defines a good friend? I mean, isn’t a friend supposed to be someone who supports you and tells you what you want to hear through the bad times. The person that is supposed to agree with you when you make a bad decision then tells you, what the f*ck were you thinking when it goes bad! You know, not the person that bails you out, but the person that is sitting next to you saying, f*ck that was fun! Yeah, that’s a friend. I think in my younger days, I thought that a friend had to be someone that I’ve known forever. But as an adult, I’ve realized that I get more support and hell, definitely more laughter from women that I’ve just met.

For example, last night I struck up a conversation with @btchygirls on Twitter. And seriously, in one night…I think she understood me better than the friends that I’ve known for 8 years that didn’t show up for brunch today. I mean, first thing this morning, I got a tweet from her that said have a fun brunch. A couple of my friends that I actually invited to the brunch never even sent a message saying, hey sorry I couldn’t make it but…. So , can you be friends with someone you don’t even really know? Is that possible? I mean, some people may think that’s a big joke. But you know what, I’ve been blogging and tweeting for about 4 months now, and I think I feel closer and like communicating with my “friends I don’t know” better than a couple of my friends I’ve known for years? How can that be? Because they haven’t judged me. They haven’t disappointed me. They haven’t disappeared when I needed them the most. No. In fact, they seem to be there no matter what. And honestly, I am so happy to have them in my life.

So I’m going to give a shout out to some of these amazing women…via their blogs or twitter, and I want to say a big THANK YOU! Thank you for teaching me about what respecting someone is all about (and making me spew wine out of my nose in hysterics of laughter)! My love goes out to @conflictedmeany @btchygirls @posterofagirl7 @viviborne @Ihave7monsters @kimicatron @raine_ok @mzbrendal (hope she’s out of twitter jail now) @jillsmo @newyawkmom @kittykatgrr @carriefairygirl @restlesslori @natablog @mommymomentblog @kalr3 and seriously, the list could go on and on and on! Thank you to all you amazing moms/women/friends that I have met online. You have made me respect myself enough to demand more out of the people that I’ve known for a while now and try to call my real friends! And please to all of you non-bloggers and non-tweeps, take a moment to check out all of their blogs…because they are all AMAZING WOMEN/MOMS and they truly deserve the attention!

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Do you remember how fun dating was when you were young…you know 16, 17, 18. Even better when you were 21 and could drink! Oh those were the days. You would take hours to primp and usually even buy a new outfit to wear. Looking good was super important. I didn’t really date much when I was 18. Shoot, I only went on one date in high school. Did everything I could to avoid kissing him, much less holding his hand.I met my ex-husband when I was 19, almost 20 I believe. He was my first. I was a late bloomer. I had my first drink when I was 20. In fact, it was my sister’s bachelorette party. Not only was it my first drink but it was my first of about 20 that night…of which I believe I ended up face down in the grass somewhere near the end of the evening. Oh good times, when we were 20 something and bright eyed and hopeful. Now I’m 42. My eyes just look tired and wrinkled…and all the hope is gone. LOL!

So dating at 42 is a very different thing. I mean, there really should be a rule book or something that we can follow. Because slowly I’m learning (or maybe not learning given the fact that I’m still single) that there are definitely different dating rules when you’re 42 then when you’re 22. I don’t think I really ever perfected dating when I was 20 something so I’m really struggling now…and my past experiences over the last 20 years have made me a little bit of a pessimist about men and dating and whether there really is “true love”.

I figured if there wasn’t a Dating In Your 40’s Rule Book for me to learn from, I would just create my own (don’t create dating rule books should probably be one of the rules, but oh well). So, following are some rules I’ve learned about dating in your 40’s (with kids).

1. Blogging is not allowed. Period! (So apparently I’ve learned that blogging, which I love and find is an amazing way for me to release stress and just be honest about myself and my flaws, is frowned upon by men whom you date, especially if you say things in your blog like, “I pretty much hate all men“. Shocker, I know!

2. Don’t ever just be yourself. (Apparently being a 42 year old single mother with a lot of baggage and issues with men is not attractive) Instead, pretend that you are happy and your life is perfect and that you are madly in love with the man you are dating.

3. Do not (and I repeat, DO NOT) on your first date tell how funny you think it is that all of your exes are in jail…or about to be in jail. (Again, refer to #2…baggage and issues with men are NOT ATTRACTIVE)!

4. Who cares if you have a job, 2 teenage kids, 3 dogs, 2 birds and some friends you actually like to spend time with every now and then…always be available to meet him whenever he is available…because apparently you are not busy at all but he is very busy, so dating must be done on his schedule. (Who cares if the kids need help with homework…if you want a man..you obviously have to sacrafice ladies)!

5. Be prepared to drive to his place in order to go on a date. Apparently, chivalry went out the door in the 80’s. The men no longer come to your house to pick you up. Who knew?

6. Do not use, “I have to be with my kids” as an excuse to not be available. Apparently things like “Fantasy Football Drafts” and “Boys Strip Club Night” are acceptable however! (Note to self…figure out how to get in on this “Boys Strip Club Night” thing more often)!

7. Do not tell him how much fun you had at “Boys Strip Club Night” unless he was definitely the BOY who took you! (Lesson learned, my bad)!

8. A “2 drink minimum” only applies to nights out at the Improv…do not apply this rule to your first date.

9. Remember to repeatedly tell him that “He is the smartest, funniest, cutest, sexiest man you have ever dated and how did you get so lucky to be the girl who gets to spend time with him”. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little, blech)!

10. Spending the night on the couch with your kids and your dogs…does not count as “being too busy to date”…but I highly recommend it!

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So I was coming back from the store with my oldest (youngest is at the mall with her friends, because she has a social life) and she says, J (the boyfriend) is going to take me to his Aunt’s house today. So, I say, okay, I’m going to go blog about how stupid men are. Haha! And I really had intentions of just sitting at the computer and having all these brilliant things about how dumb men are and no wonder I’m still single…but now here I am and nothing is really coming out right. I’ve started 3 posts but I’m just not feeling any of it. I think I’m trying too hard. Like I feel like it has to be this great story so that I can entertain other people when they read it (because of course, I have so many readers to please). But what I really want to do is just BITCH! I want to just shout out loud all the things that are bothering me right now. So, hopefully no one will mind, but I’m just going to have my BITCH DAY!

IF YOU READ MY BLOG AND IT MAKES YOU UPSET…THEN DON’T FUCKING READ MY BLOG!

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BLOG ABOUT ANYTHING I WANT. I DO IT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. IT IS NOT A DIRECT INSULT TO YOU. IF YOU TAKE IT THAT WAY…THEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ISSUES TO DEAL WITH!

DATING SUCKS. MEN SUCK. I THINK I WILL START DATING WOMEN! EXCEPT I’M SURE WOMEN WILL SUCK TOO SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY SINGLE!

HAVING BLOODY MARY MIX, OLIVES, PICKLED ASPARAGUS, AND CELERY IN THE HOUSE BUT NO VODKA IS STUPIDER THAN CRAP!

WORK IS STUPID. WHY CAN’T I BE INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY! (OR BETTER YET WHY CAN’T I FIND A MAN WHO IS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY AND THINKS I’M THE PERFECT WOMAN TO SHARE HIS WEALTH WITH)!

MEN ARE STUPID. (I’M JUST SAYING)

WHY IS THE HOUSE SUCH A MESS AND WHY CAN’T I AFFORD AN EFFING CLEANING LADY? (IF I WAS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY AS BITCHED ABOUT ABOVE, I WOULD NOT HAVE TO BITCH ABOUT THIS)

WHY DO THEY HAVE SCHOOL FUNCTIONS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT? SATURDAYS ARE FOR DATING AND FUN!

IF I DIDN’T HAVE THIS FRICKIN SCHOOL FUNCTION TONIGHT…I WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO.

MEN ARE STUPID! (HAVE I SAID THAT YET?)

I HATE BEING BROKE.

I HATE BEING STRESSED.

I HATE BEING JUDGED BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NO RIGHT TO BE JUDGING ANYONE.

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN? WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS FRICKIN THING CALLED LIFE AND WHEN IS IT GOING TO EVER BE MY TURN TO CATCH A FUCKING BREAK!

MEN REALLY ARE STUPID! (FELT IT NECESSARY TO END ON THAT ONE)

Okay. I feel better. That definitely helped a little bit. I know I sound a little jaded right now but I just think that I should always be able to say what I want, when I want and if you don’t like it than that is your own damn fault (or your own damn vault, as Will Ferrell would say). I’m done trying to please everyone else. If something makes me happy than for once I’m not going to let someone take it from me! So there! And if you don’t like it, then I’m sorry…but you can KISS MY ASS!

Whew, now I feel better!

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So, I’m just going to lay it all out there and say that really, I don’t like men very much. In fact, I’m pretty comfortable saying I hate them. Now don’t get all critical. If you knew me, you wouldn’t blame me for feeling that way (see Mind If I Get Serious). But here’s the problem. I do really want to find love again some day. And I do really want to be in a fulfilling, long term relationship. So, how do I let go of the past and all the pain and learn to just look forward.

I’m good at pretending I’m looking forward. I smile, I laugh, I function and I know that no one really knows what’s going on inside. The pain, the anger, the fear…did I say anger? I think that may be the most important thing to let go…the anger. And I’m not necessarily angry about what happened to me in the past, or for the wasted time I spent with men who not only didn’t really love me, but treated me like shit. Because I truly believe I am who I am today, only because of the experiences I’ve had in the past. And I think I like me. I tell myself I like me so much better in my 40’s than in my 20’s. But ultimately, I guess that’s not saying much because I really didn’t like me much back then.

Here’s what angers me…I want the bad men from the past to hurt as much as me. In my head, I have created this image that they are getting along just fine. That their lives are so hunky dory (love that word) and that they don’t have any leftover pain or feel any remorse for their actions and so they just live their lives so contently. Now, reality check…I know that is not the case. I know firsthand that Douchebag Mr. #5 is going through some major legal problems right now. So his life can’t be great, right? But that doesn’t satisfy me. I want him to hurt. I want him to go to jail. I read every single word of the case minutes for his upcoming trial and it makes me angry. Like I just read that they are most likely going to offer a plea. And that infuriated me. I want him to be in jail. For a long time. He’s a pretty boy…those big guys will love him in there. But will that really make me feel better? Why can’t I just let it go? Why do I even think about him? Why do I follow the case (one of these days I’ll share what he’s going on trial for, its very scary)? I know that I will find more satisfaction in myself if I just forget about him than if I hear that he’s going to jail for 20 years. So why can’t I make myself do it?

I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m not sure what made me want to ramble on about this tonight. I guess its because I went on another date . With the doctor (same one from last weekend). He’s amazing. In an, as amazing as a guy can be as far as I’m concerned, kind of way. And I feel like it has potential. For the first time in really four years (since Mr. #5) I feel like a man has potential. But I’m afraid that I’m going to blow it. Because I just can’t let the past go.

How do I start healing? How do I start living my life again? I guess I’ve never really lived my adult life with out some sort of domestic abuse, be it physical or emotional…so how am I even supposed to know how to have a normal life? How do I learn to like myself…and most importantly, how do I learn to like myself enough to allow myself to be loved and cared for, by a man. I’m not sure how I do it. But I really want to learn!

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I think I just created a new word…Singleness. Is that a word? Whatever. I’m taking credit for it. So yesterday I mentioned about discovering that I am cognisant (Conflicted Mean Girl, can I go home now with the use of that big word?) of certain things I do or say that might (I say might, but I’m pretty confident) be reason for me still being single after all these years. Since I had at least 10 reasons to start and I’m sure that list will grow, instead of just writing a post, I dedicated a page to it. So, if you get a chance, go check it out. And if you can add to the list…please do. I think it’s healthy for us to be able to laugh at ourselves every now and then and not just at the men that have made us this way!

AND THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!

PS – The date went well…I’m sure I will share more later!

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