Posts Tagged ‘single moms’

Sometimes random crap just goes through my head and then I decide to write about it…unfortunately for you poor souls who have to read it! Haha but a couple of days ago I was chatting with my bestie and I was talking about the book I’m writing (yes, I’m writing a book…or more like trying to write a book because so far all I have is the title) and I mentioned how I have all these “one-liners” that I always use sometimes, you know, when you say or do something stupid and you’re like “And that’s why I’m single”! Haha and that one liner is one I use a lot, unfortunately, and which conveniently brings me to this post. I think about why I’m single…and I’d of course like to blame it on all of the stupid men I meet, but I must take some (or at least a little) blame myself. I am PICKY. So, I’ve decided to create a Want Ad…of the perfect significant other for me. I’m smiling right now because this should be good! LOL! Okay, here it goes!!

WANTED – Single male (yes, you must be single…”seperated” from your wife is not going to fly…nice try asshole), tall, handsome and nice body, with especially nice chest and arms! (Hey, this is my ad…I can ask for what I want!) Must have a good sense of humor. (Believe me, you’ll need it!) Must have a job. Must not live at home with your parents. Must have a car. And it must run. And it must be presentable enough to be left with valet! (I’m just saying). Must be younger than 65 but please, older than 22! (Unless you are a super hot 22 then I might be able to consider you but will check ID). Must be around when I want to see you. But must not expect to see me more than once maybe twice a week…or month, depending on my current mood. Must answer my texts immediately. Must be thick skinned and not get your feelings easily hurt. (Remember, good sense of humor). Must not ask me where I was…or what I was doing…I’m a single mom…just assume I was home with the kids! Must be gullible! Must be fun! Must like wine. Must like vodka. Must like paying for wine and vodka! Flowers every now and then are great…handbags are better! Must like dogs. Must never, ever assume you come before the dogs. You should love a good meal! And you should love paying for good meals! LOL! Must know when to keep your mouth shut…or even better, don’t speak…! And most of all, you must be able to tolerate a BRAT!

Hmmm, did I leave anything out? Did I say sense of humor? Yeah, without that…you can’t survive me! LOL! Any takers? 🙂 Anyone? Hello? Yep…and THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!


Read Full Post »

Dear Lord,

Today I’m asking that you give me just one moment of silence.

No, I don’t mean keep the kids quiet (although that would be nice too), no what I’m praying for is one day of silence from the turmoil in my head.

You know, the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Images of past experiences…the fear of what lies ahead, the struggle of just facing the next day.

The sad thoughts of failing as a mother.

The pressure from having to compensate for an absentee father.

The pain I feel for them for having an absentee father and the worry about the sad thoughts that must go through their heads when they think of him.

I know, that’s a lot God…but I think that I’ve done my share of good. At least I hope I’ve done my share of good.

If I haven’t, I promise I will try harder.

Just please…please give me a moment of silence.


Read Full Post »

About a year or so ago, I was diagnosed with this silly little thing called Eosinophilic Colitis. All the symptoms that led up to the diagnosis are not really fun to discuss but lets just say I got to a point where I was thinking maybe I should just skip eating and just get my nutrition from Dr Pepper being inserted via IV, since the wonderful DP seemed to be the only thing that didn’t bother me. Now I had no idea what this Eosino-whatever was, but after lots of goggling and many doctors appointments…I finally got some perspective. Try the Dr Pepper IV!! Haha! Actually, the truth is, the colitis is inflamed by allergens. So, apparently, after much work and eliminating and then reintroducing things into my diet, I discovered that I need to avoid; wheat (gluten), dairy, egg, soy, shellfish, fish, and peanuts. I also learned along the way that I’m allergic to pineapple and sugar substitutes.

Now, when I say allergy…its more like an intolerance (except with a few items), the point being…if I eat one or more of the items, I won’t necessarily die. However, there are times I felt like that would feel better! LOL! Seriously, in the beginning, it was easy to avoid these things. I mean, the very first day without those things in my diet I felt amazing. I had more energy, my stomach didn’t feel bloated and painful. My sinuses were better and my eyes were less itchy. And I definitely spent more time out and about and less time in the bathroom (TMI?). And in the first month, I dropped 20 lbs. Hell yeah, that felt good (although honestly, I didn’t really need to lose that much, but it did feel good). And I’ve noticed, the longer I avoid these things…the stronger the reaction seems to be when I do eat them. How do I know that? Well, now a year or more later…my brain says…eat a muffin…it won’t kill you…remember? Ugh!

So, the truth is. On occassion…and believe me, there are better days than others and there are definitely things that trigger it…I cheat. I said it…I CHEAT!!! Now there are a couple of things that really aid in the cheating. (Right now I’m going to pull the old politician or athlete trick and blame someone or something else for my cheating problems, like Tiger and Weiner)! First, the fact that I know if I eat a piece of bread my throat isn’t going to close up and I’m not going to die, definitely starts to weaken my willpower. I mean, if I knew it was going to kill me, I would avoid it. That’s a no brainer. Second, I’m a stress eater. And eating a salad with balsamic vinegar and olive oil on it when you’re stressed just doesn’t quite frickin do it for me. Am I right? Any stress eaters out there right now agreeing with me? Yeah you know what I’m talking about…when you’re stressed, you eat chocolate cake. Or a Big Mac. Or chocolate cake with a Big Mac, as an appetizer. Yeah, that makes me feel better…until about an hour later, but whatever!

Third, here’s the biggest reason for cheating (and no, its not because there is so much access because I’m rich and famous and Twitter is so much fun, that was Tiger’s and Weiner’s excuses) it is so DAMN EXPENSIVE to eat healthy. Seriously, why does the economy or whoever is in charge of pricing the fricking groceries make it so much more expensive to eat fruit and vegetables than frozen pizza’s and burritos? Seriously. That. Is. A. Huge. Issue!!! No wonder we have so many obese children out there…are you reading this Michelle Obama…it is a hell of a lot cheaper for a mom to go buy her kid two 69 cent tacos from Taco Bell then to make them chicken, rice and steamed vegetables at home. That is a big problem. And in these times, when money is tight for everyone, its scary to think of the health disasters we are creating for future generations by making healthy eating so inaccessible. Sad. It’s very sad.

I’m struggling financially a little bit myself right now. I’m single. No support from anyone but myself to raise these 2 teenage girls. I’m trying to get my own business going and its tough. Really tough. But I’m lucky. See my parents come up once a month and take me and the girls to Costco and stock up on groceries for us. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have such amazing, understanding and helpful parents. Without them, the girls and I would be like so many others…struggling to eat a decent meal every day…especially a healthy meal. But, even so, even with this food…it is still hard to eat healthy. Why? Because someone thinks muffins should be cheaper than fruit. And really, why can you buy a 2 quart tub of butter for less than you can buy an 8 ounce tub of vegan butter? Yes, I said it, Vegan Butter. And if you haven’t tried it, you shouldn’t knock it. See, its the only butter I can have…so it is yummy! But Costco doesn’t sell vegan butter. Or gluten free waffles. So, I have someone buying me groceries to help me out. What am I supposed to do? Say no thank you because I can’t eat that. Hell no. I take it and I love it and I’m grateful for it. And then I eat a damn muffin for breakfast!

Yeah. That’s what I had for breakfast this morning. Yep. I’m still hurting. And it’s 3pm. I know. We also bought bell peppers, mushrooms, romaine lettuce, and grapes at Costco and I could have made myself something. But that muffin sure was easier and it was so frickin yummy! And that comes to my final point. To eat healthy…you have to make everything yourself. Healthy food doesn’t come in a can or plastic container (at least not usually). So you have to cook. You have to prepare and cook everything. And then that means I have to do dishes. Even worse, I have to listen to kids say, when is dinner going to be ready, I’m starving! Ugh, impatient little buggers! Anyways, it seriously is a lot of work to prepare healthy food for yourself and your kids…and I’m thinking somehow, somewhere, someone has got to make healthy eating easier and more affordable. Or at least get me a dishwasher!

So, have I bitched enough yet? Maybe, but I think that what I’d really like to do is start sharing recipes and money saving grocery tips with all my friends and fellow mom bloggers and tweeps (Can we say Extreme Couponing). Also, more importantly, share healthy meals that kids will eat and enjoy. My kids complained a lot in the beginning of the changes. But what I’ve learned is that if they don’t see me add Rice Milk and Vegan butter into a recipe…they have no idea. As they say, what they don’t know, can’t hurt them!

So, I’m going to create a page for healthy, quick recipes and healthy eating/cooking tips. And I would love to get suggestions from all of you! So let me know what you’re eating…and I’ll add it to the page! (Email me your ideas and recipes at functioningdysfunctional@gmail.com and make sure to include your blog/twitter name).

Read Full Post »

I’m sort of embarrased when I see that my last post was on May 26th. Seriously? What the hell have I been doing? I mean, its not like I’m out there making the big bucks…so really, what have I been doing? Raising 2 teenagers…check. Taking care of 3 dogs…check. Making sure 2 birds and 2 hamsters have water and food…check. Making meals…check. Doing laundry…check. Cleaning house…check. Working some lame ass part time worthless piece of shit job…check. Drinking…NOT ENOUGH!

Okay. So I’ve been a little busy with every day life. But really. Blogging is the best relief for my everyday, sorry ass, life…so what the hell have I been doing? For days I’ve been saying that I’m going to write and yet, I find myself never doing it. I have a problem with that. When my life gets crazy and things are not really going well…I sort of hide. I become a recluse. I stop talking to people. I stop doing things that make me happy…because then reality sets in and it just makes me miserable again. Ugh…IS IT EVER GOING TO BE MY TURN? I’m being serious here. Whoever is in charge of this fucking thing…when do I get a break!

Okay. I vented. I feel a little better. I find that when you’re feeling shitty about yourself or your life or job or whatever, it helps to look around and see that others have it shittier than you. So you should probably just stop your whining. So, today I looked at my searches. You know. The things people search that bring them to my blog. Haha and yep…suddenly my life did not seem that flippin bad. Since tomorrow is my 6 month anniversary of when I started my blog, I thought it would be fun to see some of the sorry ass people that have gotten sent my way.

I don’t want kids, is that why I’m single” – If you’re a man(and lets face it, a man typed in this search)…yes…that and you’re probably just an idiot.

Teenager rule book” – If I had that, these effen teenagers wouldn’t be running the show over here. In fact, I think I’m going to go search that one myself!

What do I do if I’m dating a disfunctional man” – First. Learn to spell. That will help you attract better men. Second, I can spell and I attract the biggest losers around. So don’t come looking for your answers here people!!

I am looking for a mickey mouse t-shirt that says – your not the boss of me” – Hahahaha really? What the hell? How did that get you here? And who would wear that? I hope its for your kid and not yourself, weirdo. And it’s you’re not your. Geez what is wrong with people!

Picture of a night mask with a monkey face” – LOL! This is so funny. Because I have one. And I have a picture posted. Here. See, I’m an idiot and that’s why I’m single. Hey, whoever searched this…I stole it from my daughter…I would not buy one for myself. It’s a joke. A joke!!!

Givers and takers” – I think my dad must be learning how to use the computer! Dad – do not read my blog. You will not like it!!! Just saying!

Friends who are disfunctional around birthdays” – Does anyone know how to spell these days? Seriously? It’s dysfunctional people! I would know…I am as dysfunctional as they come. And to whoever searched this…if they’re dysfunctional around your birthday…they are dysfunctional all the time…run! Find better friends! (Note to self: take your own advice)!

And my very favorite one – “arnold schwarzenegger soundboard and its not a tumor” – Bwaaahaaaaaa! Tears in the eyes funny! I bet you were a little disappointed when your search led you here…to a post about my weird conversations with my children and the childish ways I behave while “parenting” them. Haha…that one really makes me laugh. And why, really why was someone searching for that?

Oh boy. That was kind of fun. I could go on. There really are some strange…yet sad, searches going on out there. Makes me wonder…what is the stupidest thing that I’ve searched? Hmmmm, that could be another post!!

Read Full Post »

So, I guess the world didn’t end after all. Because here it is Thursday and I’m still here…with a hell of a lot to do since I put everything off last week thinking I shouldn’t waste my time on laundry and dishes since it would be a moot point after Saturday. Moot point my ass! Now its just piles of clothes and plates and glasses in my house. That idiot that predicted the world was ending should have to come to each of our houses and get us all caught up. IDIOT!!! Thanks a lot!

On the flip side, I guess I’m pretty glad I’m still here. I mean, now I have more time to get on my bucket list that I made. Cause that’s really going to happen. I did have a great night out Friday…celebrating the end of the world. Only to wake up with a very bad hangover…and at one point I recall wishing the world was really going to end. LOL!

So, I guess now that I have a little more time, I might actually put some more thought into my bucket list. And maybe even try to accomplish some of them. Haha, or just think about accomplishing some of them while I sit on my butt with a martini! Whatever, the point is, I still have time…or at least I have until October 21st now.

Who is this idiot that keeps setting deadlines for me? JERK! Apparently he’s never enjoyed just sitting on his ass with a bottle (or 2) of wine and some pizza watching 12 hourse of a Criminal Minds marathon (which is exactly where I’ll be Monday, thanks to ION and thanks to the world not ending). And notice that I assumed the idiot is a man!

Read Full Post »

So, let’s just say…I would like to marry Mr. Clean! So, anyone who knows me well, knows I do not believe in marriage…so the fact that I say I would like to marry anyone , says a lot. This really has been the most random of realizations. Of course, most things running through my head are extremely random (as noted in my last post) but this is actually quite entertaining how this has all come about.

So, its Friday night. My weekend entails this…Saturday Conflicted Mean Girl is coming over with the little munchkin (YAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we are going to lay by the pool, drink some pina coladas and then after the little one’s daddy comes and picks her up, me and the Mean Girl are going to get some crazy on. Or at least…that’s what we old folks are going to call it (me being much older than her but I’m dragging her in to that description anyways). And then on Sunday…my PARENTS. ARE. COMING. Now its just for the day, yes. They only live about 2 hours away. And they come up once a month to buy me groceries at Costco (I love being the only single daughter out of four…and my dad assumes without a man, I need help…which, Dad…please keep assuming…because I do…LOVE THEM). But the point is…MY. PARENTS. ARE. COMING! And I’m the worst housekeeper in the world. So…it’s Friday. Saturday is “Get your crazy on day”, so when the hell am I supposed to clean?

So…that being said. Came home tonight. Had some McDonald’s with the youngest one (yeah that should give me some energy, NOT) and then thought, shit…I need some wine…and some energy. Yeah wine doesn’t really ever give me energy…but this was an emergency, so I tried. I mean…if you could see my house. Yeah. It is JUST SHY OF BEING ON AN EPISODE OF COPS! Haha I always tell the girls that when I’m trying to get them to help me clean. Yeah, it doesn’t really work. Anyways…I’m like 2 1/2 paragraphs in and you’re now probably wondering why I started this post with, I want to marry Mr. Clean. Ok, so here it goes…I got on a roll cleaning. And really, that’s all it takes…so I’m working my way through the house and I get to my bathroom. Now, the other shower in the house is broken so we all use my shower…and with 3 girls in the house, and about 400 hair, body and face products…my shower is not pretty. I say, not pretty…because that’s the nicest thing I can say about it…without throwing up a little in my mouth.

Ok…so I worked my way through the house and got to the shower…I feel like I need some horror movie music right now…I open the shower door…UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Yeah…THAT. GROSS!!!! So, my dad has mixed up this bleach and whatever else mixture for me and left it in my bathroom (obviously because he’s had to shower in there before) so I start by spraying that on the floor, which is almost black (its really white tile) and on the wall behind where the 40 bottles of shampoo and conditioner usually sit (lots of mold, YUCK). And I let it sit. And I scrub. And I spray some more. And I let it sit. And I scrub. WHAT THE HELL! WHAT IS THIS SHIT…KRYPTONITE??? Nothing. Still black. Still mold. Arms. Tired. Bleach. Killing. Me! What now???!!!

So, I look under my kitchen sink where I for some reason have a collection of cleaning items and cleansers. Odd that I would spend so much money on stuff that I never use. Oh yeah…I have all the right ideas…just never seem to put it all in motion. Okay, so this is where Mr. Clean comes in. So, under the sink is a Scotch Brite Tub & Shower Scrubber (brand new) which is like 5 inches long and has this very tough, scratchy blue stuff on one side of it. And then there’s the normal sponge I was already using, Scotch Brite (why the hell do I have all of this Scotch Brite in my house?) No Scratch Sponge with scratchy blue stuff on one side (odd since it is “no scratch”) and then way in the back is this used Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. You know the one I’m talking about. They advertise that you don’t need any cleaners, just this sponge and it magically cleans stuff all sorts of counters and tubs and yes, even showers. Well guess what…it is MAGIC! OMG…this thing is amazing! No kidding, here, AMAZING!

Ok, so this is how it all went down…me on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor, shower door wide open, shower water running, bleach sprayed, and all 3 sponges sitting at a hands reach…ready for the showdown with that black crap! First the Shower Scrubber, because hell, shower scrubber is in it’s name so this shit should work…scrubbing. Scrubbing some more. Arm. Getting. Tired. Scrub some more. What the hell?!!? This isn’t a shower scrubber. This is a frickin Ab Glider, but for arms. STUPID. Okay, on to the other Scotch Brite sponge…because it’s exactly the same as the other frickin Scotch Brite product only smaller and a different shade of blue, so that should work better. Yeah…nothing. This is ridiculous. My parents will show up Sunday and I’ll still be on the floor of the bathroom. My right arm will be bigger…but the shower will still be black!

So, I grab the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Wait. For. It. YEP! What the hell is this thing? That black is fading. I spray some more bleach…come on, the Scotch Brite had some bleach so I wanted it to be fair…and more black fading. In fact, black almost gone. And that yuckiness behind the 40 million shampoo and conditioner bottles…yeah that’s disappearing too! What is this thing? Oh wait…yeah…it’s not a Shower Scrubber…IT”S FRICKIN MAGIC PEOPLE…yeah…I’ll say it again…FRICKIN MAGIC (Mr. Clean, you are welcome to quote me in your next commercial)!!!

Okay, I’m usually a skeptic. I mean, I know those models in the Victoria’s Secret Catalog are not that perfect (or that’s what I tell myself) and I know that dog in the commercial doesn’t really like that Kibbles and Bits that much (cause my dogs hate it)…but this crap is real. It really does work. Sheez, this must be the first advertisement that isn’t pulling my leg. I am blown away! It really does work. Now, I am pretty cheap (I don’t even know how much these things cost) and of course I am broke…but I will be running out and buying me more of these Mr. Clean Magic Erasers (I’m not even sure where this first one came from but believe me, I owe someone some thanks). These things are totally worth whatever money they will cost me (or my parents, here’s keeping my fingers crossed that they sell them at Costco in a huge frickin box of 100).

Now listen up Moms! I am honestly telling you (and we Moms really have to help each other out) that these things really do work and it seriously made cleaning easier and faster. And believe me, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser is not paying me to say this (although I would not refuse a nice little gift of say, 20 or 30 sponges) but if you have not tried these things…do it. Do it and let me know if it works as well for you as it did for me…or maybe it was just the wine. No…No, it was definitely the Magic!!!

Oh, and on a side note…I’ll be registering at Target…you can just look up Mr. and Mrs. Clean!!

Read Full Post »

Today I realized how bad I’ve been at blogging and tweeting over the past couple of weeks. I mean seriously, in my top 10 of things that I love and things that help keep me sane, is blogging & tweeting. Of course, number 1 is Belvedere Vodka, in any form…(with ice, with soda, with Dr Pepper, with jello shots…you know, any form). SOOOOOOO…why have I been such a slacker lately? Hell I don’t know. I guess it’s just because I’M A SLACKER!!!!!

So today I’m blessing you all with random thoughts in the head of the Most Functional Dysfunctional person you’ll ever meet. Enjoy…and soon you will all be wishing that I’d go back to slacking!!

* I wonder if the quantity of Dr Pepper I drink during the day, has any correlation to the very small number of hours I sleep at night?

* When I gave the hamster water last night…did I shut her cage?

* I wonder if the dogs would really eat the hamster?

* Was the youngest groogy enough last night that I could convince her that she left the hamster’s cage open, in the case that I did forget to shut her cage?

* How many Dr Peppers did I really have yesterday?

* I really hope that Conflicted Mean Girl can come over early on Saturday…I really need some girl time!

* I wonder if that salad dressing I just ate was bad?

* I need a Dr Pepper.

* Really…would my dogs eat a hamster?

* Better stock up on Belvedere and Crown, just in case Conflicted Mean Girl makes it!

* Oh my stomach hurts…it has to be the salad dressing.

* How many Dr Peppers have I had today?

* Shit…I hope I closed the hamster cage!

Haha! See, this is the crap that goes through my head every day. Honestly…it’s no wonder I’ve been slacking lately people…Can’t you see how frickin busy I’ve been?

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »