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Posts Tagged ‘speak your mind’

Dear Lord,

Today I’m asking that you give me just one moment of silence.

No, I don’t mean keep the kids quiet (although that would be nice too), no what I’m praying for is one day of silence from the turmoil in my head.

You know, the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Images of past experiences…the fear of what lies ahead, the struggle of just facing the next day.

The sad thoughts of failing as a mother.

The pressure from having to compensate for an absentee father.

The pain I feel for them for having an absentee father and the worry about the sad thoughts that must go through their heads when they think of him.

I know, that’s a lot God…but I think that I’ve done my share of good. At least I hope I’ve done my share of good.

If I haven’t, I promise I will try harder.

Just please…please give me a moment of silence.

Amen.

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So, apparently the world is ending on Saturday. Man, just like me to wait until Thursday to realize that I am sooooo not prepared. Can we push it back until next Saturday? No? Okay, guess that’s asking a lot. So, all this talk of the end of the world has got me thinking about all the things I haven’t done yet, but definitely want to before I’m gone. Not little things like the laundry (mainly so I will have clean panties come Saturday) but those big things…you know, like “take over the world” big (of course, can mark that one off since there won’t be a world come Sunday apparently)! Anyways…here’s the short list of my bucket list…(and maybe, just maybe, someone wants to push this thing back a week or two so I can get this all done)!

1. Travel to Austria to see the Lippizan Stallions at the Spanish Riding School. (This seems weird to start with this one, but I’ve dreamed of this ever since I was a teenager riding my own Andalusian).

2. Get my college degree.

3. Move to the mountains and raise horses and dogs.

4. Go to Paris! See if I can remember any of the 5 years of French I took in high school and college. LOL!

5. See my daughters marry amazing men who will treat them like Princesses and live long, happy, and healthy lives. (That’s not asking too much is it)?

6. Go on a girls trip to Vegas with my 3 sisters. No GUYS!! Husbands stay home!

7. Have a million dollars. (If someone would just give it to me that would be best, working for it seems like a lot of work)!

8. Start my own charity to help loving pet owners help pay for vet bills, food and grooming for the pets they devote their lives to.

9. Run my own fashion magazine.

10. Go to the CMA’s (Country Music Awards for those of you saying, the what?).

11. Pose in Playboy! (Seriously, I have wanted to do this since I was in college. I truly believe it would be the hottest I could ever look)!

12. Own a pair of Christian Louboutins. Or 100 pair, either way!

13. Buy a convertible BMW!

14. Learn to sing.

15. Fall in love. Real love. Everlasting, unbelievably amazing love. Yeah, that kind of love. Fall in that kind of love.

Wow, this list really is kind of lame. Apparently, I haven’t thought much about it. Maybe I’m just a big dork, but really I’d like to think its because I am very satisfied with my life and what I have done and seen so far. And maybe, just maybe, if the world really was ending on Saturday, I really wouldn’t have any regrets. (Except maybe that Playboy thing)!!

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So, let’s just say…I would like to marry Mr. Clean! So, anyone who knows me well, knows I do not believe in marriage…so the fact that I say I would like to marry anyone , says a lot. This really has been the most random of realizations. Of course, most things running through my head are extremely random (as noted in my last post) but this is actually quite entertaining how this has all come about.

So, its Friday night. My weekend entails this…Saturday Conflicted Mean Girl is coming over with the little munchkin (YAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we are going to lay by the pool, drink some pina coladas and then after the little one’s daddy comes and picks her up, me and the Mean Girl are going to get some crazy on. Or at least…that’s what we old folks are going to call it (me being much older than her but I’m dragging her in to that description anyways). And then on Sunday…my PARENTS. ARE. COMING. Now its just for the day, yes. They only live about 2 hours away. And they come up once a month to buy me groceries at Costco (I love being the only single daughter out of four…and my dad assumes without a man, I need help…which, Dad…please keep assuming…because I do…LOVE THEM). But the point is…MY. PARENTS. ARE. COMING! And I’m the worst housekeeper in the world. So…it’s Friday. Saturday is “Get your crazy on day”, so when the hell am I supposed to clean?

So…that being said. Came home tonight. Had some McDonald’s with the youngest one (yeah that should give me some energy, NOT) and then thought, shit…I need some wine…and some energy. Yeah wine doesn’t really ever give me energy…but this was an emergency, so I tried. I mean…if you could see my house. Yeah. It is JUST SHY OF BEING ON AN EPISODE OF COPS! Haha I always tell the girls that when I’m trying to get them to help me clean. Yeah, it doesn’t really work. Anyways…I’m like 2 1/2 paragraphs in and you’re now probably wondering why I started this post with, I want to marry Mr. Clean. Ok, so here it goes…I got on a roll cleaning. And really, that’s all it takes…so I’m working my way through the house and I get to my bathroom. Now, the other shower in the house is broken so we all use my shower…and with 3 girls in the house, and about 400 hair, body and face products…my shower is not pretty. I say, not pretty…because that’s the nicest thing I can say about it…without throwing up a little in my mouth.

Ok…so I worked my way through the house and got to the shower…I feel like I need some horror movie music right now…I open the shower door…UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Yeah…THAT. GROSS!!!! So, my dad has mixed up this bleach and whatever else mixture for me and left it in my bathroom (obviously because he’s had to shower in there before) so I start by spraying that on the floor, which is almost black (its really white tile) and on the wall behind where the 40 bottles of shampoo and conditioner usually sit (lots of mold, YUCK). And I let it sit. And I scrub. And I spray some more. And I let it sit. And I scrub. WHAT THE HELL! WHAT IS THIS SHIT…KRYPTONITE??? Nothing. Still black. Still mold. Arms. Tired. Bleach. Killing. Me! What now???!!!

So, I look under my kitchen sink where I for some reason have a collection of cleaning items and cleansers. Odd that I would spend so much money on stuff that I never use. Oh yeah…I have all the right ideas…just never seem to put it all in motion. Okay, so this is where Mr. Clean comes in. So, under the sink is a Scotch Brite Tub & Shower Scrubber (brand new) which is like 5 inches long and has this very tough, scratchy blue stuff on one side of it. And then there’s the normal sponge I was already using, Scotch Brite (why the hell do I have all of this Scotch Brite in my house?) No Scratch Sponge with scratchy blue stuff on one side (odd since it is “no scratch”) and then way in the back is this used Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. You know the one I’m talking about. They advertise that you don’t need any cleaners, just this sponge and it magically cleans stuff all sorts of counters and tubs and yes, even showers. Well guess what…it is MAGIC! OMG…this thing is amazing! No kidding, here, AMAZING!

Ok, so this is how it all went down…me on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor, shower door wide open, shower water running, bleach sprayed, and all 3 sponges sitting at a hands reach…ready for the showdown with that black crap! First the Shower Scrubber, because hell, shower scrubber is in it’s name so this shit should work…scrubbing. Scrubbing some more. Arm. Getting. Tired. Scrub some more. What the hell?!!? This isn’t a shower scrubber. This is a frickin Ab Glider, but for arms. STUPID. Okay, on to the other Scotch Brite sponge…because it’s exactly the same as the other frickin Scotch Brite product only smaller and a different shade of blue, so that should work better. Yeah…nothing. This is ridiculous. My parents will show up Sunday and I’ll still be on the floor of the bathroom. My right arm will be bigger…but the shower will still be black!

So, I grab the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Wait. For. It. YEP! What the hell is this thing? That black is fading. I spray some more bleach…come on, the Scotch Brite had some bleach so I wanted it to be fair…and more black fading. In fact, black almost gone. And that yuckiness behind the 40 million shampoo and conditioner bottles…yeah that’s disappearing too! What is this thing? Oh wait…yeah…it’s not a Shower Scrubber…IT”S FRICKIN MAGIC PEOPLE…yeah…I’ll say it again…FRICKIN MAGIC (Mr. Clean, you are welcome to quote me in your next commercial)!!!

Okay, I’m usually a skeptic. I mean, I know those models in the Victoria’s Secret Catalog are not that perfect (or that’s what I tell myself) and I know that dog in the commercial doesn’t really like that Kibbles and Bits that much (cause my dogs hate it)…but this crap is real. It really does work. Sheez, this must be the first advertisement that isn’t pulling my leg. I am blown away! It really does work. Now, I am pretty cheap (I don’t even know how much these things cost) and of course I am broke…but I will be running out and buying me more of these Mr. Clean Magic Erasers (I’m not even sure where this first one came from but believe me, I owe someone some thanks). These things are totally worth whatever money they will cost me (or my parents, here’s keeping my fingers crossed that they sell them at Costco in a huge frickin box of 100).

Now listen up Moms! I am honestly telling you (and we Moms really have to help each other out) that these things really do work and it seriously made cleaning easier and faster. And believe me, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser is not paying me to say this (although I would not refuse a nice little gift of say, 20 or 30 sponges) but if you have not tried these things…do it. Do it and let me know if it works as well for you as it did for me…or maybe it was just the wine. No…No, it was definitely the Magic!!!

Oh, and on a side note…I’ll be registering at Target…you can just look up Mr. and Mrs. Clean!!

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Today I realized how bad I’ve been at blogging and tweeting over the past couple of weeks. I mean seriously, in my top 10 of things that I love and things that help keep me sane, is blogging & tweeting. Of course, number 1 is Belvedere Vodka, in any form…(with ice, with soda, with Dr Pepper, with jello shots…you know, any form). SOOOOOOO…why have I been such a slacker lately? Hell I don’t know. I guess it’s just because I’M A SLACKER!!!!!

So today I’m blessing you all with random thoughts in the head of the Most Functional Dysfunctional person you’ll ever meet. Enjoy…and soon you will all be wishing that I’d go back to slacking!!

* I wonder if the quantity of Dr Pepper I drink during the day, has any correlation to the very small number of hours I sleep at night?

* When I gave the hamster water last night…did I shut her cage?

* I wonder if the dogs would really eat the hamster?

* Was the youngest groogy enough last night that I could convince her that she left the hamster’s cage open, in the case that I did forget to shut her cage?

* How many Dr Peppers did I really have yesterday?

* I really hope that Conflicted Mean Girl can come over early on Saturday…I really need some girl time!

* I wonder if that salad dressing I just ate was bad?

* I need a Dr Pepper.

* Really…would my dogs eat a hamster?

* Better stock up on Belvedere and Crown, just in case Conflicted Mean Girl makes it!

* Oh my stomach hurts…it has to be the salad dressing.

* How many Dr Peppers have I had today?

* Shit…I hope I closed the hamster cage!

Haha! See, this is the crap that goes through my head every day. Honestly…it’s no wonder I’ve been slacking lately people…Can’t you see how frickin busy I’ve been?

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So I was coming back from the store with my oldest (youngest is at the mall with her friends, because she has a social life) and she says, J (the boyfriend) is going to take me to his Aunt’s house today. So, I say, okay, I’m going to go blog about how stupid men are. Haha! And I really had intentions of just sitting at the computer and having all these brilliant things about how dumb men are and no wonder I’m still single…but now here I am and nothing is really coming out right. I’ve started 3 posts but I’m just not feeling any of it. I think I’m trying too hard. Like I feel like it has to be this great story so that I can entertain other people when they read it (because of course, I have so many readers to please). But what I really want to do is just BITCH! I want to just shout out loud all the things that are bothering me right now. So, hopefully no one will mind, but I’m just going to have my BITCH DAY!

IF YOU READ MY BLOG AND IT MAKES YOU UPSET…THEN DON’T FUCKING READ MY BLOG!

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BLOG ABOUT ANYTHING I WANT. I DO IT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. IT IS NOT A DIRECT INSULT TO YOU. IF YOU TAKE IT THAT WAY…THEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ISSUES TO DEAL WITH!

DATING SUCKS. MEN SUCK. I THINK I WILL START DATING WOMEN! EXCEPT I’M SURE WOMEN WILL SUCK TOO SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY SINGLE!

HAVING BLOODY MARY MIX, OLIVES, PICKLED ASPARAGUS, AND CELERY IN THE HOUSE BUT NO VODKA IS STUPIDER THAN CRAP!

WORK IS STUPID. WHY CAN’T I BE INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY! (OR BETTER YET WHY CAN’T I FIND A MAN WHO IS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY AND THINKS I’M THE PERFECT WOMAN TO SHARE HIS WEALTH WITH)!

MEN ARE STUPID. (I’M JUST SAYING)

WHY IS THE HOUSE SUCH A MESS AND WHY CAN’T I AFFORD AN EFFING CLEANING LADY? (IF I WAS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY AS BITCHED ABOUT ABOVE, I WOULD NOT HAVE TO BITCH ABOUT THIS)

WHY DO THEY HAVE SCHOOL FUNCTIONS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT? SATURDAYS ARE FOR DATING AND FUN!

IF I DIDN’T HAVE THIS FRICKIN SCHOOL FUNCTION TONIGHT…I WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO.

MEN ARE STUPID! (HAVE I SAID THAT YET?)

I HATE BEING BROKE.

I HATE BEING STRESSED.

I HATE BEING JUDGED BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NO RIGHT TO BE JUDGING ANYONE.

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN? WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS FRICKIN THING CALLED LIFE AND WHEN IS IT GOING TO EVER BE MY TURN TO CATCH A FUCKING BREAK!

MEN REALLY ARE STUPID! (FELT IT NECESSARY TO END ON THAT ONE)

Okay. I feel better. That definitely helped a little bit. I know I sound a little jaded right now but I just think that I should always be able to say what I want, when I want and if you don’t like it than that is your own damn fault (or your own damn vault, as Will Ferrell would say). I’m done trying to please everyone else. If something makes me happy than for once I’m not going to let someone take it from me! So there! And if you don’t like it, then I’m sorry…but you can KISS MY ASS!

Whew, now I feel better!

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