Posts Tagged ‘why i’m single’

Sometimes random crap just goes through my head and then I decide to write about it…unfortunately for you poor souls who have to read it! Haha but a couple of days ago I was chatting with my bestie and I was talking about the book I’m writing (yes, I’m writing a book…or more like trying to write a book because so far all I have is the title) and I mentioned how I have all these “one-liners” that I always use sometimes, you know, when you say or do something stupid and you’re like “And that’s why I’m single”! Haha and that one liner is one I use a lot, unfortunately, and which conveniently brings me to this post. I think about why I’m single…and I’d of course like to blame it on all of the stupid men I meet, but I must take some (or at least a little) blame myself. I am PICKY. So, I’ve decided to create a Want Ad…of the perfect significant other for me. I’m smiling right now because this should be good! LOL! Okay, here it goes!!

WANTED – Single male (yes, you must be single…”seperated” from your wife is not going to fly…nice try asshole), tall, handsome and nice body, with especially nice chest and arms! (Hey, this is my ad…I can ask for what I want!) Must have a good sense of humor. (Believe me, you’ll need it!) Must have a job. Must not live at home with your parents. Must have a car. And it must run. And it must be presentable enough to be left with valet! (I’m just saying). Must be younger than 65 but please, older than 22! (Unless you are a super hot 22 then I might be able to consider you but will check ID). Must be around when I want to see you. But must not expect to see me more than once maybe twice a week…or month, depending on my current mood. Must answer my texts immediately. Must be thick skinned and not get your feelings easily hurt. (Remember, good sense of humor). Must not ask me where I was…or what I was doing…I’m a single mom…just assume I was home with the kids! Must be gullible! Must be fun! Must like wine. Must like vodka. Must like paying for wine and vodka! Flowers every now and then are great…handbags are better! Must like dogs. Must never, ever assume you come before the dogs. You should love a good meal! And you should love paying for good meals! LOL! Must know when to keep your mouth shut…or even better, don’t speak…! And most of all, you must be able to tolerate a BRAT!

Hmmm, did I leave anything out? Did I say sense of humor? Yeah, without that…you can’t survive me! LOL! Any takers? 🙂 Anyone? Hello? Yep…and THAT’S WHY I’M SINGLE!


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I’m sort of embarrased when I see that my last post was on May 26th. Seriously? What the hell have I been doing? I mean, its not like I’m out there making the big bucks…so really, what have I been doing? Raising 2 teenagers…check. Taking care of 3 dogs…check. Making sure 2 birds and 2 hamsters have water and food…check. Making meals…check. Doing laundry…check. Cleaning house…check. Working some lame ass part time worthless piece of shit job…check. Drinking…NOT ENOUGH!

Okay. So I’ve been a little busy with every day life. But really. Blogging is the best relief for my everyday, sorry ass, life…so what the hell have I been doing? For days I’ve been saying that I’m going to write and yet, I find myself never doing it. I have a problem with that. When my life gets crazy and things are not really going well…I sort of hide. I become a recluse. I stop talking to people. I stop doing things that make me happy…because then reality sets in and it just makes me miserable again. Ugh…IS IT EVER GOING TO BE MY TURN? I’m being serious here. Whoever is in charge of this fucking thing…when do I get a break!

Okay. I vented. I feel a little better. I find that when you’re feeling shitty about yourself or your life or job or whatever, it helps to look around and see that others have it shittier than you. So you should probably just stop your whining. So, today I looked at my searches. You know. The things people search that bring them to my blog. Haha and yep…suddenly my life did not seem that flippin bad. Since tomorrow is my 6 month anniversary of when I started my blog, I thought it would be fun to see some of the sorry ass people that have gotten sent my way.

I don’t want kids, is that why I’m single” – If you’re a man(and lets face it, a man typed in this search)…yes…that and you’re probably just an idiot.

Teenager rule book” – If I had that, these effen teenagers wouldn’t be running the show over here. In fact, I think I’m going to go search that one myself!

What do I do if I’m dating a disfunctional man” – First. Learn to spell. That will help you attract better men. Second, I can spell and I attract the biggest losers around. So don’t come looking for your answers here people!!

I am looking for a mickey mouse t-shirt that says – your not the boss of me” – Hahahaha really? What the hell? How did that get you here? And who would wear that? I hope its for your kid and not yourself, weirdo. And it’s you’re not your. Geez what is wrong with people!

Picture of a night mask with a monkey face” – LOL! This is so funny. Because I have one. And I have a picture posted. Here. See, I’m an idiot and that’s why I’m single. Hey, whoever searched this…I stole it from my daughter…I would not buy one for myself. It’s a joke. A joke!!!

Givers and takers” – I think my dad must be learning how to use the computer! Dad – do not read my blog. You will not like it!!! Just saying!

Friends who are disfunctional around birthdays” – Does anyone know how to spell these days? Seriously? It’s dysfunctional people! I would know…I am as dysfunctional as they come. And to whoever searched this…if they’re dysfunctional around your birthday…they are dysfunctional all the time…run! Find better friends! (Note to self: take your own advice)!

And my very favorite one – “arnold schwarzenegger soundboard and its not a tumor” – Bwaaahaaaaaa! Tears in the eyes funny! I bet you were a little disappointed when your search led you here…to a post about my weird conversations with my children and the childish ways I behave while “parenting” them. Haha…that one really makes me laugh. And why, really why was someone searching for that?

Oh boy. That was kind of fun. I could go on. There really are some strange…yet sad, searches going on out there. Makes me wonder…what is the stupidest thing that I’ve searched? Hmmmm, that could be another post!!

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Today I realized how bad I’ve been at blogging and tweeting over the past couple of weeks. I mean seriously, in my top 10 of things that I love and things that help keep me sane, is blogging & tweeting. Of course, number 1 is Belvedere Vodka, in any form…(with ice, with soda, with Dr Pepper, with jello shots…you know, any form). SOOOOOOO…why have I been such a slacker lately? Hell I don’t know. I guess it’s just because I’M A SLACKER!!!!!

So today I’m blessing you all with random thoughts in the head of the Most Functional Dysfunctional person you’ll ever meet. Enjoy…and soon you will all be wishing that I’d go back to slacking!!

* I wonder if the quantity of Dr Pepper I drink during the day, has any correlation to the very small number of hours I sleep at night?

* When I gave the hamster water last night…did I shut her cage?

* I wonder if the dogs would really eat the hamster?

* Was the youngest groogy enough last night that I could convince her that she left the hamster’s cage open, in the case that I did forget to shut her cage?

* How many Dr Peppers did I really have yesterday?

* I really hope that Conflicted Mean Girl can come over early on Saturday…I really need some girl time!

* I wonder if that salad dressing I just ate was bad?

* I need a Dr Pepper.

* Really…would my dogs eat a hamster?

* Better stock up on Belvedere and Crown, just in case Conflicted Mean Girl makes it!

* Oh my stomach hurts…it has to be the salad dressing.

* How many Dr Peppers have I had today?

* Shit…I hope I closed the hamster cage!

Haha! See, this is the crap that goes through my head every day. Honestly…it’s no wonder I’ve been slacking lately people…Can’t you see how frickin busy I’ve been?

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I went out tonight…had a drink with a friend…came home…went out had another drink with some friends…See, the youngest is on her 7th grade trip in Washington DC with her class this week. And my oldest, well the last thing she wants to do is hang out with me…so after getting off work, I found myself with some free time. So I took advantage of it and visited with friends for a little bit. Something I don’t get to do often unless they come to my house. I was home early, 8:30ish and so after doing the dishes and chatting with the oldest for a little bit, thought I would finally sit down and blog a little. I had every intention of talking about how sometimes I have these revelations of how dysfunctional I really am. And believe me, that’s a post I will get to eventually. BUT…I got on Twitter first, you know, just because I’m addicted, and low and behold…the beautiful Vivienne tweeted me that she awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award! Ha! Me. A Stylish Blogger! I wanted to run and call my parents. Ring up the sisters. Step outside and shout it out to the world! But then I realized…the only people that are really going to understand my excitement, are you beautiful bloggers…and my tweeps! Which of course, is what this award is about…us bloggers!

So, apparently, as Vivi wrote in her blog post…there are some rules that apply to receiving this award (and she might have said something about a check…I’ll have to go back and read again, lol). So here goes…cause I’m super excited about this so I don’t want to mess up (you know…like taking a month to actually respond to receiving the award or something…you know…hint, hint! LOL, I kid…REALLY)! So here it goes:

1. I must thank the person who awarded me and link back to her. Done and done again…and one more time, check Vivienne out at her blog here. Thank you so much…You are so beautiful and I always look forward to chatting with you on Twitter and reading your blog! You are very special and I’m so thankful to be recognized by you!!

2. Share 7 things about yourself. What? Really? 7 things? If I say something wrong can you take this award away from me? Do I have to say something stylish? Or can I just be stupid like normal? Okay, here goes: Hmmm, 7 things…this is hard….usually I like to talk about myself but the pressure…of 7 things…okay I’m ready;

1. I was a gymnast all my life…from about 3 or 4 until high school, which is when I gave up gymnastics to ride horses competitively.

2. I am deathly afraid of sharks. Will not even go in the ocean past about my ankles. I mean deathly afraid. And don’t tell me there’s no sharks there…it’s an ocean…there are sharks.

3. I am a co-dependent. (Yeah, you’ve probably all already figured that out, but I need 7 things)

4. My favorite food of all times is hotdogs. I would choose hotdogs over steak and artichokes or anything for that matter. And preferably with kraut!

5. I don’t like grill marks on my meat…but I love my meat grilled…yeah, and that’s why I’m single!!

6. I am addicted to Dr Pepper. And I don’t mean like, Oh I like DP, yummy…no I mean addicted…like don’t ask me to choose between DP and a child…might not turn out so good!

7. I am a horrible housekeeper. And again, that’s why I’m single! LOL!

Okay, I feel like those are the lamest 7 things…but I did it. So now onto step 3.

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers. Now. This. Is. EASY! Well, actually, going to be hard to limit to 15…but here goes;

1. Conflicted Mean Girl – Not really newly discovered…but she’s the reason I’m even blogging in the first place…and her blog posts always crack me up! Love You!!

2. Shamrocks & Shenanigans

3. Carrie Fairy Thoughts

4. Marina Sleep’s Blog

5. B*tches in the Burbs

6. Life in the House that Asperger Built

7. Yeah. Good Times.

8. Little Things

9. Laundry Hurts My Feelings

10. Cici’s Theories

11. Bees With Honey

12. Carousel Ride

13. Lori Dyan

14. Living With Logan

15. Not Enough Patience & Never Enough Jewelry

Whew, that was easy…except attaching all of those links! But believe me, all of these blogs are worth it so please go check them out! And now onto rule #4.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Well, you read the rule…so I have to go let these wonderful gals know how Stylish they are! Buh bye for now!!

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Today I hosted a brunch at my house for my friends. Now, I say friends lightly because realistically, I pick friends like I pick men….NOT GOOD! But lucky for me, I have somehow managed to collect a few, actual good ones along the way. And I seriously mean, luckily, because I don’t know what I’d do without those few, actual good ones! So, I of course invited all my “friends” to the brunch with the naiveness that I thought they were all going to come because they love me and of course they would love to do nothing more with their Sunday then spend the day with me. Haha, and that’s why I’m single, because I think men feel that way about me too. I mean seriously, I’m 42, you’d think I’d learn by now. But nope, not me, I keep having hope!

So where was I , oh yeah…dreaming that I have real friends! Haha. Ultimately, I do! I have Conflicted Mean Girl and her little munchkin. They come by regularly and even though I’ve known them for a mere 4 years (one year for the little munchkin) I truly feel blessed to have them in my life and know that someday I will be attending the munchkin’s wedding (sorry to scare you Conflicted Mean Girl, just trying to make the point that you’ll be in my life forever)! And then there’s my friend Nurse Jen and her boyfriend (hopefully soon to be fiance, Dean). Sometimes I feel like I only talk to her maybe 3 or 4 times a month. But you know what, when I plan something like a birthday party for my friends to celebrate my kids birthdays (because my kids love my friends) Nurse Jen and Dean are the ones that show up. So, the point is I have a few good friends, and I am so thankful for them. But then there are the friends that I think are “friends” and every time I do something like, host a brunch or lose my job, I wait for them to show up and prove they are friends…and they fail every time.

So ultimately, that leads me to think…what really defines a good friend? I mean, isn’t a friend supposed to be someone who supports you and tells you what you want to hear through the bad times. The person that is supposed to agree with you when you make a bad decision then tells you, what the f*ck were you thinking when it goes bad! You know, not the person that bails you out, but the person that is sitting next to you saying, f*ck that was fun! Yeah, that’s a friend. I think in my younger days, I thought that a friend had to be someone that I’ve known forever. But as an adult, I’ve realized that I get more support and hell, definitely more laughter from women that I’ve just met.

For example, last night I struck up a conversation with @btchygirls on Twitter. And seriously, in one night…I think she understood me better than the friends that I’ve known for 8 years that didn’t show up for brunch today. I mean, first thing this morning, I got a tweet from her that said have a fun brunch. A couple of my friends that I actually invited to the brunch never even sent a message saying, hey sorry I couldn’t make it but…. So , can you be friends with someone you don’t even really know? Is that possible? I mean, some people may think that’s a big joke. But you know what, I’ve been blogging and tweeting for about 4 months now, and I think I feel closer and like communicating with my “friends I don’t know” better than a couple of my friends I’ve known for years? How can that be? Because they haven’t judged me. They haven’t disappointed me. They haven’t disappeared when I needed them the most. No. In fact, they seem to be there no matter what. And honestly, I am so happy to have them in my life.

So I’m going to give a shout out to some of these amazing women…via their blogs or twitter, and I want to say a big THANK YOU! Thank you for teaching me about what respecting someone is all about (and making me spew wine out of my nose in hysterics of laughter)! My love goes out to @conflictedmeany @btchygirls @posterofagirl7 @viviborne @Ihave7monsters @kimicatron @raine_ok @mzbrendal (hope she’s out of twitter jail now) @jillsmo @newyawkmom @kittykatgrr @carriefairygirl @restlesslori @natablog @mommymomentblog @kalr3 and seriously, the list could go on and on and on! Thank you to all you amazing moms/women/friends that I have met online. You have made me respect myself enough to demand more out of the people that I’ve known for a while now and try to call my real friends! And please to all of you non-bloggers and non-tweeps, take a moment to check out all of their blogs…because they are all AMAZING WOMEN/MOMS and they truly deserve the attention!

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Do you remember how fun dating was when you were young…you know 16, 17, 18. Even better when you were 21 and could drink! Oh those were the days. You would take hours to primp and usually even buy a new outfit to wear. Looking good was super important. I didn’t really date much when I was 18. Shoot, I only went on one date in high school. Did everything I could to avoid kissing him, much less holding his hand.I met my ex-husband when I was 19, almost 20 I believe. He was my first. I was a late bloomer. I had my first drink when I was 20. In fact, it was my sister’s bachelorette party. Not only was it my first drink but it was my first of about 20 that night…of which I believe I ended up face down in the grass somewhere near the end of the evening. Oh good times, when we were 20 something and bright eyed and hopeful. Now I’m 42. My eyes just look tired and wrinkled…and all the hope is gone. LOL!

So dating at 42 is a very different thing. I mean, there really should be a rule book or something that we can follow. Because slowly I’m learning (or maybe not learning given the fact that I’m still single) that there are definitely different dating rules when you’re 42 then when you’re 22. I don’t think I really ever perfected dating when I was 20 something so I’m really struggling now…and my past experiences over the last 20 years have made me a little bit of a pessimist about men and dating and whether there really is “true love”.

I figured if there wasn’t a Dating In Your 40’s Rule Book for me to learn from, I would just create my own (don’t create dating rule books should probably be one of the rules, but oh well). So, following are some rules I’ve learned about dating in your 40’s (with kids).

1. Blogging is not allowed. Period! (So apparently I’ve learned that blogging, which I love and find is an amazing way for me to release stress and just be honest about myself and my flaws, is frowned upon by men whom you date, especially if you say things in your blog like, “I pretty much hate all men“. Shocker, I know!

2. Don’t ever just be yourself. (Apparently being a 42 year old single mother with a lot of baggage and issues with men is not attractive) Instead, pretend that you are happy and your life is perfect and that you are madly in love with the man you are dating.

3. Do not (and I repeat, DO NOT) on your first date tell how funny you think it is that all of your exes are in jail…or about to be in jail. (Again, refer to #2…baggage and issues with men are NOT ATTRACTIVE)!

4. Who cares if you have a job, 2 teenage kids, 3 dogs, 2 birds and some friends you actually like to spend time with every now and then…always be available to meet him whenever he is available…because apparently you are not busy at all but he is very busy, so dating must be done on his schedule. (Who cares if the kids need help with homework…if you want a man..you obviously have to sacrafice ladies)!

5. Be prepared to drive to his place in order to go on a date. Apparently, chivalry went out the door in the 80’s. The men no longer come to your house to pick you up. Who knew?

6. Do not use, “I have to be with my kids” as an excuse to not be available. Apparently things like “Fantasy Football Drafts” and “Boys Strip Club Night” are acceptable however! (Note to self…figure out how to get in on this “Boys Strip Club Night” thing more often)!

7. Do not tell him how much fun you had at “Boys Strip Club Night” unless he was definitely the BOY who took you! (Lesson learned, my bad)!

8. A “2 drink minimum” only applies to nights out at the Improv…do not apply this rule to your first date.

9. Remember to repeatedly tell him that “He is the smartest, funniest, cutest, sexiest man you have ever dated and how did you get so lucky to be the girl who gets to spend time with him”. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little, blech)!

10. Spending the night on the couch with your kids and your dogs…does not count as “being too busy to date”…but I highly recommend it!

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Leave it to my youngest to help me see just one more reason why I’m still single! I mean, she’s always been the more responsible one. And she’s definitely the creative one. But when did it become right for her to show me up in my own house…I mean I pay the bills around here (well, except not lately, but whatever, this isn’t about me)!

This morning my youngest who is turning 13 on Valentine’s Day (yep, best Valentine’s Day present ever…all men should just give up and not even try to match that one) and her best friend decided that they wanted to make breakfast. They got some grand idea’s, looked them up on the internet. Made me a grocery list. Which I so nicely went early this morning and picked up for them. And then they show me up. How you might ask?

Well, this is my idea of breakfast (and for that matter, it makes a good lunch or quick dinner also):

Breakfast of Champions!

And this is what they made;

Piggy Pancakes!

Yep, Piggy Pancakes. And they made them for everyone in the house. I just served myself Dr Pepper and Oreos. Whatever!

And guess what? They were really yummy! Those BRATS! Haha! Thank you Sami and Katie for the wonderful Saturday morning breakfast. What are you guys doing tomorrow morning?

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